After the second miscarriage, God had me in a state of complete brokeness. I could not function without seeking him constantly. I prayed that he would help me make sense of all that had happened somehow. You see, I think God uses our hurts, our trials, our disappointments to teach us to rely on him. He wants to to show us eternal things and sometimes the only way he can do that is to break us. I felt broken beyond repair so I prayed that he would show me something, anything. I prayed that my eyes would be open to see the eternal things he wanted to teach me.
As I write what God showed me through this second miscarriage let me say this. I in know way see the whole picture. I have no idea what God's bigger plans are for me. I don't know to what magnitude he will use my hurts to help others. God only shows me glimpses of things. He sheds just enough light on the situation to get through things one day at a time. He gives me just enough mercy and grace to make it through that day. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "Now we will things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." I feel I am looking in a mirror and can't make out the whole image but I see shapes and outlines of what he is doing. And for me, that's enough. I have enough faith in God to know he sees the whole picture and o my goodness, his picture for me is so much better than I could ever dream. I also trust that one day when I stand face to face with God that I will understand everything perfectly.
So I believe God used my second miscarriage to break me, to completely break me, to get me to a point where I had no one and nothing but him. He needed to teach me some lessons and that was the only way to do it.
So in the weeks following the miscarriage, I spent so much time in prayer and in his word. He showed me new things each day. He used other people to show me things too. As I talked with friends, they would tell me stories of women who recently lost babies and though I didn't know them my heart broke for them. I found myself praying for these women. I discovered other friends who had been trying to get pregnant for so long and couldn't. My heart hurt for them too. So I prayed for them. I thought about my friends who had lost babies in the past year and my hurt broke for them.
Up until this point I had been so focused on myself and my own pain that I just never took the time to look around me and see how many other people were hurting. God was changing my heart and giving me compassion for other people. He was showing me how to love other people. He was showing me that through my brokeness, I could share my story and give other people hope and encouragement. That through my pain others could find strength to get through their own situation. He taught me to put others before myself. God slowly began to give me his eyes so that I could see.
One day God led me to Luke 11:9. It's the verse about asking, seeking, knocking. When I ready that I was like OK God I get it. When we ask we will receive and when we seek we will find. I understand it. And God so clearly impressed upon my soul to read the passage above this verse.
Luke 11:5-8 says, "...Suppopse you went to a friend's house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, 'A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.' And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, 'Don't bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can't help you.' But I tell you this-though he won't do it for friendship's sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence."
And I got it. I understood what God was calling me to do. He didn't want me to say a one line, one time prayer for my friends and myself. He wanted me to be persistent so I decided at that moment I would show God just how persistent I could be.
I started fasting and praying. My heart hurt so bad for all these other women. Their pain was my pain. I began to spend so much time in prayer crying out to God on their behalf. I prayed that until God blessed them with a child that they would have peace in knowing that his timing is perfect. In praying for others my heart began to heal some.
What an amazing thing prayer is. Through prayer God gives me strength, he gives me hope, he shows me mercy and grace, he makes me aware of my blessings. When I feel hurt and broken he reminds me of his faithfulness and promises.
Prayer is also powerful. James 5:16 says, "...The earnest prayers of a righteous person has great power and produces powerful results." It simply amazes me that my persitent prayers are being heard by my Father. And to know that he cares about those prayer....that humbles me and makes me eternally grateful.
So these days I pray for lots of people for lots of different things. If someone is hurting, I pray. If someone is rejoicing in their blessings, I pray and praise God for his goodness. If someone needs guidance about a decision I pray for that. But most of my prayer time is still devoted to people who are pregnant, who are trying to get pregnant or who have lost babies. My heart rejoices for those who God is blessing with children and hurts for those that haven't experienced that blessing yet. It's such a strange mix of emotions.
When friends tell me they are pregnant my heart absolutely praises God for that blessing in their lives but at the same time my heart hurts for myself and for the families I know who haven't been able to get pregnant yet. But my Heavenly Father is always so good to remind me that my journey is different than theirs, that his plans for me are so much better than my own. He opens my eyes to the blessings I do have and allows me to enjoy those blessings.
So their is rarely a day that goes by that I'm not praying for those around me. God hasn't chosen to answer most of my prayers yet but I believe that he can. A friend told me once that God always answers our prayers in three ways, he either answers them yes, no, or wait. I feel like I am in the wait period. I think God wants to see how persistent I am going to be. I think he has me waiting so he can mold me and make me into the woman he is calling me to be.
I believe with all that I am that God has a greater calling on my life....on all of our lives. I also believe the only way he could reach me, the only way he could make me see that all I needed was him, the only way he could make me aware of how I was not living the way he wanted me to live, was to break me with my second miscarriage. And honestly I see that as mercy. I know a lot of people could never understand how that could be merciful but it was. See God needed to get my attention. He could have done it by taking Jeremy from me or by taking Ansley from me. He could have destroyed so many different aspects of my life but he chose to take my sweet baby instead. And though it was hard and still is hard, I see that he was merciful in that.
I so love my Heavenly Father. He is so good to me everyday. I love praying for to him. I can't wait to see how he answers my prayers. I know in my own prayer for another baby that God may choose to answer that with a no. And though my heart longs for a sweet baby that belongs to Jeremy and myself, it longs even more for my Heavenly Father and his will for my life. I know his will is so much better than my own. But until God answers my prayer with a no, I continue to pray, for myself and for the people around me. I believe that our persistent prayers are going to produce powerful results. I believe God is going to take the situations of heartbreak and make turn them into something beautiful. And it won't be because we derserve it...it will be because that's just how good my God is.
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