God has taught me how to pray consistently and constantly. After he showed me that I had to be persistant in my prayers, I decided to start fasting some. I did this for a week and it was one of the sweetest prayer times I have ever know. When I got hungry, I prayed. When I was tempted to go grab a snack, I prayed. When I felt weak, I prayed. I enjoyed fasting so much because it allowed me to be that much closer to God. And the whole time I was praying, I prayed for myself some, but I mainly prayed for those around me who were hurting.
During this time of seeking God, about 10 different people told me to read the book Heaven is For Real. I took that a sign that God wanted to show me something in that book. If you have never read this, run to the neartest book store or library and get it. It's a short book and an easy read but it is so eye opening. In this book there is the subject of miscarriage and it so greatly spoke to my soul. It opened my eyes to heaven and the beauty of it.
A week or so after reading it, I was spending some time one morning in prayer. My heart hurt so bad for the ladies I knew who had miscarriages in the past year or who couldn't even get pregnant. I cried and cried to God on their behalf. I prayed for my husband and my sweet Ansley. I prayed for all my friends and loved ones. Then, I started praying for myself. I prayed that God would rip down the walls I had built around my heart. I prayed that he would open my eyes to see the world and people as he saw them. I prayed that he would change my heart. I prayed that I wouldn't be so caught up in me and my world. I prayed that I would have a heart that loved people. I knew I needed God and that I needed a change of heart and he was the only one who could change it. Lastly, I prayed for a sweet baby Alexander. I prayed that God would allow us to get pregnant again and that the baby would be perfect and healthy and whole.
While praying that prayer, my mind flashed back to the countless times I had prayed that exact thing over two other babies this year. I had prayed for my sweet babies before I got pregnant and every day that I was pregnant. And I told God, "God I have already prayed this same prayer so many times this year and you didn't answer my prayers." And once again, I had a time standing still moment. God told me as plain as day in my soul, "Mellanie, I did answer your prayers. Your babies are perfect, they are healthy, and they are whole. They are with me and I love them so much more than you ever could."
That was a complete revelation to me. See I knew my babies were in Heaven. I never once doubted that. In my mind though, God had not answered my prayers. He took them to Heaven sooner than I thought they should go. I thought if he had answered them that I would still have one of my babies inside of me, but God showed me he asnwered my prayers exactly as I prayed them. I never once prayed that I would have those babies here on earth. I just prayed that they would be healthy and whole.
I cried for at least an hour after this...not tears of sadness for the babies I had lost, but tears of absolute joy in knowing that my babies were with God. Up to that point, I had on some level blamed myself for the miscarriages. By God showing me how he answered my prayers, I felt free. I could quit blaming myself and rest in knowing that the miscarriages were God's plan for my life. I could rest in knowing that I have two babies in Heaven. I could rest in the fact that one day I will see those babies. I like to believe they know how much their Mommy and Daddy and big sister loved them and wished they could have been here on Earth with us. I imagine them running through Heaven playing with each other, sitting in Jesus' lap loving him, anticipating the day when we will be there with them. It fills my heart with joy to know that they are right there with my Savior and he really does love them more than I ever could.
God showed me another revelation that day. Up to that point in my walk as a Christian, the thought of being dead had always scared me. I knew that I would be with Jesus but it still made me so uneasy to think about dieing. You see my heart was so tuned to this earth and the things in it that I never thought about the fact that this place was not my home. I didn't ever stop to think that Heaven is so much better than anything this earth could offer. That day my heart started to long for home. God put a longing in my heart to be with my babies. My arms ached to hold them, my lips longed to smother them with kisses, my mouth longed to tell them face to face that I loved them, my eyes longed to see there faces, my heart longed to just be with them. But above all of this, my heart longed to see my Savior face to face....I want to see the one who took the nails for me, I want to wrap my arms around him, I want to fall at his feet and worship and praise him with all that I am. I finally understood what Paul meant when he wrote to the Philipians and said to live is Christ, to die is gain. Now I'm not looking to shorten my life by any means. God has me here on this earth for a purpose. I choose to serve him here in whatever capacity he calls me but I rejoice in the fact that one day I will be able to go home and be with him for eternity.
I believe that God could not have shown me this revelation if I had not been praying for a change of heart. I think God needed to get me to the point to where I realized I needed to change and where I realized that he was all that I needed. I am amazed at what God shows me when I offer all that I am to him, when I choose to seek him instead of my own desires, when I choose to be still and listen.
I love my Lord. I need him every moment of every day. I need to pray to him, I need to cry to him, I need to rejoice with him, I need to praise him. God is so good. I never would have thought I could have survived two miscarriages but God showed me that his stregnth is perfect in my weakness. He really is all that I need.
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