God has taught me how to pray consistently and constantly. After he showed me that I had to be persistant in my prayers, I decided to start fasting some. I did this for a week and it was one of the sweetest prayer times I have ever know. When I got hungry, I prayed. When I was tempted to go grab a snack, I prayed. When I felt weak, I prayed. I enjoyed fasting so much because it allowed me to be that much closer to God. And the whole time I was praying, I prayed for myself some, but I mainly prayed for those around me who were hurting.
During this time of seeking God, about 10 different people told me to read the book Heaven is For Real. I took that a sign that God wanted to show me something in that book. If you have never read this, run to the neartest book store or library and get it. It's a short book and an easy read but it is so eye opening. In this book there is the subject of miscarriage and it so greatly spoke to my soul. It opened my eyes to heaven and the beauty of it.
A week or so after reading it, I was spending some time one morning in prayer. My heart hurt so bad for the ladies I knew who had miscarriages in the past year or who couldn't even get pregnant. I cried and cried to God on their behalf. I prayed for my husband and my sweet Ansley. I prayed for all my friends and loved ones. Then, I started praying for myself. I prayed that God would rip down the walls I had built around my heart. I prayed that he would open my eyes to see the world and people as he saw them. I prayed that he would change my heart. I prayed that I wouldn't be so caught up in me and my world. I prayed that I would have a heart that loved people. I knew I needed God and that I needed a change of heart and he was the only one who could change it. Lastly, I prayed for a sweet baby Alexander. I prayed that God would allow us to get pregnant again and that the baby would be perfect and healthy and whole.
While praying that prayer, my mind flashed back to the countless times I had prayed that exact thing over two other babies this year. I had prayed for my sweet babies before I got pregnant and every day that I was pregnant. And I told God, "God I have already prayed this same prayer so many times this year and you didn't answer my prayers." And once again, I had a time standing still moment. God told me as plain as day in my soul, "Mellanie, I did answer your prayers. Your babies are perfect, they are healthy, and they are whole. They are with me and I love them so much more than you ever could."
That was a complete revelation to me. See I knew my babies were in Heaven. I never once doubted that. In my mind though, God had not answered my prayers. He took them to Heaven sooner than I thought they should go. I thought if he had answered them that I would still have one of my babies inside of me, but God showed me he asnwered my prayers exactly as I prayed them. I never once prayed that I would have those babies here on earth. I just prayed that they would be healthy and whole.
I cried for at least an hour after this...not tears of sadness for the babies I had lost, but tears of absolute joy in knowing that my babies were with God. Up to that point, I had on some level blamed myself for the miscarriages. By God showing me how he answered my prayers, I felt free. I could quit blaming myself and rest in knowing that the miscarriages were God's plan for my life. I could rest in knowing that I have two babies in Heaven. I could rest in the fact that one day I will see those babies. I like to believe they know how much their Mommy and Daddy and big sister loved them and wished they could have been here on Earth with us. I imagine them running through Heaven playing with each other, sitting in Jesus' lap loving him, anticipating the day when we will be there with them. It fills my heart with joy to know that they are right there with my Savior and he really does love them more than I ever could.
God showed me another revelation that day. Up to that point in my walk as a Christian, the thought of being dead had always scared me. I knew that I would be with Jesus but it still made me so uneasy to think about dieing. You see my heart was so tuned to this earth and the things in it that I never thought about the fact that this place was not my home. I didn't ever stop to think that Heaven is so much better than anything this earth could offer. That day my heart started to long for home. God put a longing in my heart to be with my babies. My arms ached to hold them, my lips longed to smother them with kisses, my mouth longed to tell them face to face that I loved them, my eyes longed to see there faces, my heart longed to just be with them. But above all of this, my heart longed to see my Savior face to face....I want to see the one who took the nails for me, I want to wrap my arms around him, I want to fall at his feet and worship and praise him with all that I am. I finally understood what Paul meant when he wrote to the Philipians and said to live is Christ, to die is gain. Now I'm not looking to shorten my life by any means. God has me here on this earth for a purpose. I choose to serve him here in whatever capacity he calls me but I rejoice in the fact that one day I will be able to go home and be with him for eternity.
I believe that God could not have shown me this revelation if I had not been praying for a change of heart. I think God needed to get me to the point to where I realized I needed to change and where I realized that he was all that I needed. I am amazed at what God shows me when I offer all that I am to him, when I choose to seek him instead of my own desires, when I choose to be still and listen.
I love my Lord. I need him every moment of every day. I need to pray to him, I need to cry to him, I need to rejoice with him, I need to praise him. God is so good. I never would have thought I could have survived two miscarriages but God showed me that his stregnth is perfect in my weakness. He really is all that I need.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Persistent Prayer Produces Powerful Results.
After the second miscarriage, God had me in a state of complete brokeness. I could not function without seeking him constantly. I prayed that he would help me make sense of all that had happened somehow. You see, I think God uses our hurts, our trials, our disappointments to teach us to rely on him. He wants to to show us eternal things and sometimes the only way he can do that is to break us. I felt broken beyond repair so I prayed that he would show me something, anything. I prayed that my eyes would be open to see the eternal things he wanted to teach me.
As I write what God showed me through this second miscarriage let me say this. I in know way see the whole picture. I have no idea what God's bigger plans are for me. I don't know to what magnitude he will use my hurts to help others. God only shows me glimpses of things. He sheds just enough light on the situation to get through things one day at a time. He gives me just enough mercy and grace to make it through that day. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "Now we will things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." I feel I am looking in a mirror and can't make out the whole image but I see shapes and outlines of what he is doing. And for me, that's enough. I have enough faith in God to know he sees the whole picture and o my goodness, his picture for me is so much better than I could ever dream. I also trust that one day when I stand face to face with God that I will understand everything perfectly.
So I believe God used my second miscarriage to break me, to completely break me, to get me to a point where I had no one and nothing but him. He needed to teach me some lessons and that was the only way to do it.
So in the weeks following the miscarriage, I spent so much time in prayer and in his word. He showed me new things each day. He used other people to show me things too. As I talked with friends, they would tell me stories of women who recently lost babies and though I didn't know them my heart broke for them. I found myself praying for these women. I discovered other friends who had been trying to get pregnant for so long and couldn't. My heart hurt for them too. So I prayed for them. I thought about my friends who had lost babies in the past year and my hurt broke for them.
Up until this point I had been so focused on myself and my own pain that I just never took the time to look around me and see how many other people were hurting. God was changing my heart and giving me compassion for other people. He was showing me how to love other people. He was showing me that through my brokeness, I could share my story and give other people hope and encouragement. That through my pain others could find strength to get through their own situation. He taught me to put others before myself. God slowly began to give me his eyes so that I could see.
One day God led me to Luke 11:9. It's the verse about asking, seeking, knocking. When I ready that I was like OK God I get it. When we ask we will receive and when we seek we will find. I understand it. And God so clearly impressed upon my soul to read the passage above this verse.
Luke 11:5-8 says, "...Suppopse you went to a friend's house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, 'A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.' And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, 'Don't bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can't help you.' But I tell you this-though he won't do it for friendship's sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence."
And I got it. I understood what God was calling me to do. He didn't want me to say a one line, one time prayer for my friends and myself. He wanted me to be persistent so I decided at that moment I would show God just how persistent I could be.
I started fasting and praying. My heart hurt so bad for all these other women. Their pain was my pain. I began to spend so much time in prayer crying out to God on their behalf. I prayed that until God blessed them with a child that they would have peace in knowing that his timing is perfect. In praying for others my heart began to heal some.
What an amazing thing prayer is. Through prayer God gives me strength, he gives me hope, he shows me mercy and grace, he makes me aware of my blessings. When I feel hurt and broken he reminds me of his faithfulness and promises.
Prayer is also powerful. James 5:16 says, "...The earnest prayers of a righteous person has great power and produces powerful results." It simply amazes me that my persitent prayers are being heard by my Father. And to know that he cares about those prayer....that humbles me and makes me eternally grateful.
So these days I pray for lots of people for lots of different things. If someone is hurting, I pray. If someone is rejoicing in their blessings, I pray and praise God for his goodness. If someone needs guidance about a decision I pray for that. But most of my prayer time is still devoted to people who are pregnant, who are trying to get pregnant or who have lost babies. My heart rejoices for those who God is blessing with children and hurts for those that haven't experienced that blessing yet. It's such a strange mix of emotions.
When friends tell me they are pregnant my heart absolutely praises God for that blessing in their lives but at the same time my heart hurts for myself and for the families I know who haven't been able to get pregnant yet. But my Heavenly Father is always so good to remind me that my journey is different than theirs, that his plans for me are so much better than my own. He opens my eyes to the blessings I do have and allows me to enjoy those blessings.
So their is rarely a day that goes by that I'm not praying for those around me. God hasn't chosen to answer most of my prayers yet but I believe that he can. A friend told me once that God always answers our prayers in three ways, he either answers them yes, no, or wait. I feel like I am in the wait period. I think God wants to see how persistent I am going to be. I think he has me waiting so he can mold me and make me into the woman he is calling me to be.
I believe with all that I am that God has a greater calling on my life....on all of our lives. I also believe the only way he could reach me, the only way he could make me see that all I needed was him, the only way he could make me aware of how I was not living the way he wanted me to live, was to break me with my second miscarriage. And honestly I see that as mercy. I know a lot of people could never understand how that could be merciful but it was. See God needed to get my attention. He could have done it by taking Jeremy from me or by taking Ansley from me. He could have destroyed so many different aspects of my life but he chose to take my sweet baby instead. And though it was hard and still is hard, I see that he was merciful in that.
I so love my Heavenly Father. He is so good to me everyday. I love praying for to him. I can't wait to see how he answers my prayers. I know in my own prayer for another baby that God may choose to answer that with a no. And though my heart longs for a sweet baby that belongs to Jeremy and myself, it longs even more for my Heavenly Father and his will for my life. I know his will is so much better than my own. But until God answers my prayer with a no, I continue to pray, for myself and for the people around me. I believe that our persistent prayers are going to produce powerful results. I believe God is going to take the situations of heartbreak and make turn them into something beautiful. And it won't be because we derserve it...it will be because that's just how good my God is.
As I write what God showed me through this second miscarriage let me say this. I in know way see the whole picture. I have no idea what God's bigger plans are for me. I don't know to what magnitude he will use my hurts to help others. God only shows me glimpses of things. He sheds just enough light on the situation to get through things one day at a time. He gives me just enough mercy and grace to make it through that day. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "Now we will things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." I feel I am looking in a mirror and can't make out the whole image but I see shapes and outlines of what he is doing. And for me, that's enough. I have enough faith in God to know he sees the whole picture and o my goodness, his picture for me is so much better than I could ever dream. I also trust that one day when I stand face to face with God that I will understand everything perfectly.
So I believe God used my second miscarriage to break me, to completely break me, to get me to a point where I had no one and nothing but him. He needed to teach me some lessons and that was the only way to do it.
So in the weeks following the miscarriage, I spent so much time in prayer and in his word. He showed me new things each day. He used other people to show me things too. As I talked with friends, they would tell me stories of women who recently lost babies and though I didn't know them my heart broke for them. I found myself praying for these women. I discovered other friends who had been trying to get pregnant for so long and couldn't. My heart hurt for them too. So I prayed for them. I thought about my friends who had lost babies in the past year and my hurt broke for them.
Up until this point I had been so focused on myself and my own pain that I just never took the time to look around me and see how many other people were hurting. God was changing my heart and giving me compassion for other people. He was showing me how to love other people. He was showing me that through my brokeness, I could share my story and give other people hope and encouragement. That through my pain others could find strength to get through their own situation. He taught me to put others before myself. God slowly began to give me his eyes so that I could see.
One day God led me to Luke 11:9. It's the verse about asking, seeking, knocking. When I ready that I was like OK God I get it. When we ask we will receive and when we seek we will find. I understand it. And God so clearly impressed upon my soul to read the passage above this verse.
Luke 11:5-8 says, "...Suppopse you went to a friend's house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, 'A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.' And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, 'Don't bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can't help you.' But I tell you this-though he won't do it for friendship's sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence."
And I got it. I understood what God was calling me to do. He didn't want me to say a one line, one time prayer for my friends and myself. He wanted me to be persistent so I decided at that moment I would show God just how persistent I could be.
I started fasting and praying. My heart hurt so bad for all these other women. Their pain was my pain. I began to spend so much time in prayer crying out to God on their behalf. I prayed that until God blessed them with a child that they would have peace in knowing that his timing is perfect. In praying for others my heart began to heal some.
What an amazing thing prayer is. Through prayer God gives me strength, he gives me hope, he shows me mercy and grace, he makes me aware of my blessings. When I feel hurt and broken he reminds me of his faithfulness and promises.
Prayer is also powerful. James 5:16 says, "...The earnest prayers of a righteous person has great power and produces powerful results." It simply amazes me that my persitent prayers are being heard by my Father. And to know that he cares about those prayer....that humbles me and makes me eternally grateful.
So these days I pray for lots of people for lots of different things. If someone is hurting, I pray. If someone is rejoicing in their blessings, I pray and praise God for his goodness. If someone needs guidance about a decision I pray for that. But most of my prayer time is still devoted to people who are pregnant, who are trying to get pregnant or who have lost babies. My heart rejoices for those who God is blessing with children and hurts for those that haven't experienced that blessing yet. It's such a strange mix of emotions.
When friends tell me they are pregnant my heart absolutely praises God for that blessing in their lives but at the same time my heart hurts for myself and for the families I know who haven't been able to get pregnant yet. But my Heavenly Father is always so good to remind me that my journey is different than theirs, that his plans for me are so much better than my own. He opens my eyes to the blessings I do have and allows me to enjoy those blessings.
So their is rarely a day that goes by that I'm not praying for those around me. God hasn't chosen to answer most of my prayers yet but I believe that he can. A friend told me once that God always answers our prayers in three ways, he either answers them yes, no, or wait. I feel like I am in the wait period. I think God wants to see how persistent I am going to be. I think he has me waiting so he can mold me and make me into the woman he is calling me to be.
I believe with all that I am that God has a greater calling on my life....on all of our lives. I also believe the only way he could reach me, the only way he could make me see that all I needed was him, the only way he could make me aware of how I was not living the way he wanted me to live, was to break me with my second miscarriage. And honestly I see that as mercy. I know a lot of people could never understand how that could be merciful but it was. See God needed to get my attention. He could have done it by taking Jeremy from me or by taking Ansley from me. He could have destroyed so many different aspects of my life but he chose to take my sweet baby instead. And though it was hard and still is hard, I see that he was merciful in that.
I so love my Heavenly Father. He is so good to me everyday. I love praying for to him. I can't wait to see how he answers my prayers. I know in my own prayer for another baby that God may choose to answer that with a no. And though my heart longs for a sweet baby that belongs to Jeremy and myself, it longs even more for my Heavenly Father and his will for my life. I know his will is so much better than my own. But until God answers my prayer with a no, I continue to pray, for myself and for the people around me. I believe that our persistent prayers are going to produce powerful results. I believe God is going to take the situations of heartbreak and make turn them into something beautiful. And it won't be because we derserve it...it will be because that's just how good my God is.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Back in the Valley
A month after I came home I started feeling....not right. I was a little nauseated and just didn't feel normal. I kept telling my husband I was pregnant so a day before my period should have started I took a pregnancy test and low and behold, it was positive. I took another one a few days later...positive and a third one a few days after that....positive. We had got pregnant our first time trying again. I can't really tell you the mix of emotions I felt. Honestly I was so excited and in my heart I thought, "God you have rewarded me for trusting you and coming home like you wanted me to. You have redeemed the loss of our first baby together by giving us another one." Looking back I see just how arrogant that assumption was. Who am I to even think I know what God is doing and what his plans are for me? I don't know that God was testing me to see what my reaction would be but if he was, I failed miserably.
Along with being excited I was terrified. What if the baby didn't grow? What if we lost another baby? How was I going to deal with the loss of another baby if we did lose it? I was a mix of emotions. Every time I would get sick I praised God. I know so many women who complain about being sick all the time and yes it is hard but I felt like if I was getting sick then that meant the baby was growing. If there was a day I wasn't sick, a state of panic would set in. Maybe the baby wasn't growing...it was a roller coaster of a ride for me.
We only told 2 sets of friends we were pregnant. We told them because we knew they were prayer warriors and would go before God's throne constantly seeking prayer. We knew we needed prayer and lots of it.
The night before my doctor's appointment I started cramping some. I attributed it to the fact that my tummy had not felt right for days but I knew this was different. It felt like the cramps I had when I lost the last baby but I shoved those worries aside and just rested in God's hands.
I went to see my doctor at 8 weeks and 1 day. Jeremy told me that I was not to have an ultrasound that day under any circumstances cause he wanted to see our baby too. My doctor was shocked to see me back again so soon. I could hear him out in the hall saying, "You are kidding me." He walked in and I told him how scared I was. Once he found out how far along I was he scheduled an ultrasound right on the spot. I protested because of my sweet Jeremy wanting to be there but he said we could do another one for him.
As I waited in the hall to be called back to do the ultrasound, fear gripped me and would not let me go. I was still cramping a little at this point. I texted a friend about it and asked her to pray for me. She offered to come sit with me since she was right around the corner but I told her not to worry about it. I think on some level, I knew that this was not going to end well but I had to hold out hope til the end.
The ultrasound tech rushed through paperwork cause she knew how nervous I was. She performed the other ultrasound on the baby we lost so she understood my fears. When she started checking me she said, "There's that sweet baby." I looked up and saw our baby on the screen. Big tears filled my eyes cause there he or she was. God had allowed this baby to start forming. But in the next instant as I looked at the screen I knew that the baby had already died. I just knew it. The lady kept trying to hear the heartbeat and she didn't even have to tell me there was none. I looked at her and said, "There's no heartbeat is there?" And with a painful expression she said, "No, I'm so sorry."
I can't even describe how I felt in that moment of time. I texted my friend who offered to sit with me and told her there was no heartbeat. I sat there...alone...and broken hearted. I tried to hold it together and not cry too much because I was alone. Within five minutes, my sweet friend walked into the room and I lost it. I told her I didn't know if this was worth all this pain and heartache and at that moment I didn't think it was. The doctor and office manager walked in and gave me hugs. I told the doctor maybe God just didn't want us to have a baby. Everyone reassured me the best they could that these things happen all the time. Yes I knew that they did. I had a friend who lost numerous babies before God revealed his perfect timing and blessed them with their sweet miracle. I just never thought it would happen to me again.
I drove myself home. I was devastated. I couldn't believe that after all I had been through that I was plunged right back down into the valley. I felt so lost so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I prayed.
I remember so clearly that I went to my bedroom and got down on my knees and started pouring out my hurts to God. I told him, "God I don't understand this. I don't understand why you would let me get pregnant again so fast after losing our other baby only to take this one away from us too. But I choose today to praise you. I choose to love you and thank you for the blessings I do have."
It's so easy to praise God when everything is going good in our lives. It's much harder to praise him when you feel like you have plummeted off the mountain back into the valley but I had a choice that day to make. I could be bitter towards God, I could blame him, I could be angry or I could choose to praise the one who holds me in his hands. I chose to praise him. I knew the only way I was ever going to get through this again was to praise him. I was so thankful for the blessings he gave me. And I knew that there was a reason for this. I had already accepted the fact that this was all part of his plan. How could I be bitter towards the one who loved me and wanted good things for me? How could I be bitter towards the one who made a promise to me that he wanted to do so much more with my life? How could I be bitter towards the one who took my place on Calvary?
Let me make this clear. Having a previous miscarriage and knowing what to expect didn't make this one any easier. This miscarriage hurt even worse than the first one. I was devastated. Just because I accepted that this was God's plan for my life and just because he filled me with his love and peace doesn't mean it still didn't hurt. Losing one baby was hard enough but losing a second one so soon after the first one was harder. My heart had not fully healed from the first miscarriage. And now I was faced with the loss of a second sweet baby...another baby I would never hold here on earth. I knew this baby was with his brother or sister in Heaven and that was somewhat comforting at that time. However, my heart ached to have both of them still with me.
So I found myself back in the valley....heart broken...but hopeful.
Along with being excited I was terrified. What if the baby didn't grow? What if we lost another baby? How was I going to deal with the loss of another baby if we did lose it? I was a mix of emotions. Every time I would get sick I praised God. I know so many women who complain about being sick all the time and yes it is hard but I felt like if I was getting sick then that meant the baby was growing. If there was a day I wasn't sick, a state of panic would set in. Maybe the baby wasn't growing...it was a roller coaster of a ride for me.
We only told 2 sets of friends we were pregnant. We told them because we knew they were prayer warriors and would go before God's throne constantly seeking prayer. We knew we needed prayer and lots of it.
The night before my doctor's appointment I started cramping some. I attributed it to the fact that my tummy had not felt right for days but I knew this was different. It felt like the cramps I had when I lost the last baby but I shoved those worries aside and just rested in God's hands.
I went to see my doctor at 8 weeks and 1 day. Jeremy told me that I was not to have an ultrasound that day under any circumstances cause he wanted to see our baby too. My doctor was shocked to see me back again so soon. I could hear him out in the hall saying, "You are kidding me." He walked in and I told him how scared I was. Once he found out how far along I was he scheduled an ultrasound right on the spot. I protested because of my sweet Jeremy wanting to be there but he said we could do another one for him.
As I waited in the hall to be called back to do the ultrasound, fear gripped me and would not let me go. I was still cramping a little at this point. I texted a friend about it and asked her to pray for me. She offered to come sit with me since she was right around the corner but I told her not to worry about it. I think on some level, I knew that this was not going to end well but I had to hold out hope til the end.
The ultrasound tech rushed through paperwork cause she knew how nervous I was. She performed the other ultrasound on the baby we lost so she understood my fears. When she started checking me she said, "There's that sweet baby." I looked up and saw our baby on the screen. Big tears filled my eyes cause there he or she was. God had allowed this baby to start forming. But in the next instant as I looked at the screen I knew that the baby had already died. I just knew it. The lady kept trying to hear the heartbeat and she didn't even have to tell me there was none. I looked at her and said, "There's no heartbeat is there?" And with a painful expression she said, "No, I'm so sorry."
I can't even describe how I felt in that moment of time. I texted my friend who offered to sit with me and told her there was no heartbeat. I sat there...alone...and broken hearted. I tried to hold it together and not cry too much because I was alone. Within five minutes, my sweet friend walked into the room and I lost it. I told her I didn't know if this was worth all this pain and heartache and at that moment I didn't think it was. The doctor and office manager walked in and gave me hugs. I told the doctor maybe God just didn't want us to have a baby. Everyone reassured me the best they could that these things happen all the time. Yes I knew that they did. I had a friend who lost numerous babies before God revealed his perfect timing and blessed them with their sweet miracle. I just never thought it would happen to me again.
I drove myself home. I was devastated. I couldn't believe that after all I had been through that I was plunged right back down into the valley. I felt so lost so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I prayed.
I remember so clearly that I went to my bedroom and got down on my knees and started pouring out my hurts to God. I told him, "God I don't understand this. I don't understand why you would let me get pregnant again so fast after losing our other baby only to take this one away from us too. But I choose today to praise you. I choose to love you and thank you for the blessings I do have."
It's so easy to praise God when everything is going good in our lives. It's much harder to praise him when you feel like you have plummeted off the mountain back into the valley but I had a choice that day to make. I could be bitter towards God, I could blame him, I could be angry or I could choose to praise the one who holds me in his hands. I chose to praise him. I knew the only way I was ever going to get through this again was to praise him. I was so thankful for the blessings he gave me. And I knew that there was a reason for this. I had already accepted the fact that this was all part of his plan. How could I be bitter towards the one who loved me and wanted good things for me? How could I be bitter towards the one who made a promise to me that he wanted to do so much more with my life? How could I be bitter towards the one who took my place on Calvary?
Let me make this clear. Having a previous miscarriage and knowing what to expect didn't make this one any easier. This miscarriage hurt even worse than the first one. I was devastated. Just because I accepted that this was God's plan for my life and just because he filled me with his love and peace doesn't mean it still didn't hurt. Losing one baby was hard enough but losing a second one so soon after the first one was harder. My heart had not fully healed from the first miscarriage. And now I was faced with the loss of a second sweet baby...another baby I would never hold here on earth. I knew this baby was with his brother or sister in Heaven and that was somewhat comforting at that time. However, my heart ached to have both of them still with me.
So I found myself back in the valley....heart broken...but hopeful.
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