These next few blogs are probably going to be a little lengthy but I feel like I need to tell the whole story so you can get a clear picture of exactly what my God was doing in my life during these darker days.
I went to my first OB appointment filled with hope and excitement. Everything seemed great so we scheduled an ultrasound. Jeremy, my sweet husband, left work to come to the ultrasound with me that Thursday. I was so excited to see Jeremy's reaction to the ultrasound. This would be his first time experiencing a pregnancy. In my head I was already dreaming about the day he could feel our baby kick and could see the baby's tiny hand or foot move across my belly. I dreamt about him holding our baby for the first time. Jeremy is such an amazing Dad to my sweet Ansley so I knew he would be wonderful with our baby.
We went back for the ultrasound and I could hardly contain myself. I had a child from a previous marriage so I knew the routine. I stared at the screen as the ultrasound was being performed but something wasn't right. The screen showed what looked to be a rather large sac, which was my uterus, with nothing inside of it. A million thoughts ran through my mind. I kept looking at it and thinking is that the baby? It doesn't look the same as when I had Ansley but it had been 10 years since I had her so maybe things had changed. Why couldn't I see the baby? Maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was. That had to be it. I was only 3 or 4 weeks instead of 7. So I asked the lady, "Is that the baby?" And she wouldn't answer me. She took a few more measurements on the screen, put down her equipment and said five words that I will never forget. "I'm sorry, there's nothing there."
I got up from the table to put my clothes back on trying to process what she just said. Nothing there? There had to be a mistake. I took 3 pregnancy tests. They all came back positive. What did she mean there was nothing there. I came back into the room and she gave the technical term for what my pregnancy was but I can't remember what it was because my mind was in overdrive trying to process this. She walked out of the room so she could get a doctor to talk to me and I lost it. I broke down and cried a river right there. I felt like God had played some kind of cruel joke on me. How could this be? God lined up everything so perfectly. Everything was falling into place. And it hit me...not only was I losing my baby but I felt like God was destroying me dream. I was devestated beyond belief. Jeremy tried to comfort me the best he could but he didn't understand the depths of my loss. He didn't know what it was like to have a baby inside of you and feel it move. He didn't know what it was like to hold a newborn and realize that that sweet baby was dependent on you for his/her every want or need. Though he tried the best he could, nothing he said comforted me.
Before I move on let me say this, my doctor later told me a sperm had fertilized an egg but somewhere along the way it never made it to the uterus. I believe with all that I am that life begins at the moment of conception. There was a baby there even if it never grew past the moment of conception. No one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.
I drove myself home while Jeremy went back to work. Several friends came over as soon as they heard and offered their love and prayers and for this I am eternally grateful. I called Jeremy and asked him to come home because I needed him there with me. Even if he couldn't make all of this better at least I wouldn't be alone. While I waited for him to get there I did the only thing I knew to do...I prayed. I cried out to my God. I told him I didn't understand why he did this. He lined up everything so perfectly. I thought I knew his plans for me but now those dreams seem to be shattered. I was devestated.
It's so easy for us to praise God when everything is good, when everything seems to be going along as planned. It's a lot harder to praise him when your world crumbles around you, when your heart shatters like broken glass. I had a choice to make. I could have been bitter, I could have blamed God, but I chose to praise him instead. I thanked him for the good things he gave me. I asked him to open my eyes and help me see how he showed me mercy through this because at that moment all I could see was my pain.
Looking back now, I can so clearly see how God was preparing me for that moment. I had been praying and seeking his will for my life. He knew I would have to make a choice, bitterness or praise. I'm so eternally grateful that for once in my life I got it right. My heart was tuned to God just enough for him to open my eyes so he could start showing me that very day how he showed my such mercy through my situation.
Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for what all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." That day I needed peace. I hurt beyond what I though I could endure and when my heart felt cry to God was for peace in the midst of my storm that is exactly what he gave me. That in no way means that I wasn't still hurting. My heart was shattered...it just meant that I rested in knowing God heard me, I rested in knowing he was in that very room with me, I rested in knowing that he would help me understand all of this, I rested in knowing that he had plans for me and they were for good and not harm.
God opened my eyes that day to how merciful he was in my situation. First of all I could of had the miscarriage on my own but I found out by ultrasound. I was able to have a D&C and I didn't have to have a miscarriage at my home. That was God's mercy. Ansley's Dad and I share custody of her and it so happened that it was his week to have her. However, I got her on Thursdays on his week so I could take her to gymnastics. We had the ultrasound on a Thursday. My sweet Ansley was devestated when we broke the news to her and I had to crawl out of my pain to comfort her in hers...that was God's mercy. Not only that but having my sweet child beside me, being able to hold her and love her, seeing God's gift to me right before my eyes comforted me in a way that no one else could. That was God's mercy.
So I praised God through my pain that day and in the following months. I thanked God for the child that I did have. I told God that even if he never gave me another baby I would still praise him because I had Ansley. My eyes were opened to how some women never have children and to how blessed I was to even have her. She really is a gift from God.
My heart began to heal with time the best that it could. I had ups and downs everyday. Some days my heart would feel like it was breaking beyond repair again but I always cried out to God and he always gave me peace. He began to show me how blessed I really was. I cried almost everyday and many days it was because I was so overwhelmed with how good my God is. Some people didn't understand how I could praise him through this but my answer was always how could I not? If all he ever did for me was die on Calvary, it would have been enough. But he gave me a husband who loves and adores me, he gave me my sweet Ansley, he gave me food, a car, a home, friends, family, sunsets in the afternoons, good health, the ability to get up and run, the beauty of creation....my list could go on and on. With all that God has blessed me with how could I not choose to praise him through my pain?
Hebrews 4:16 says, "So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and will find grace to help us when we need it the most." I came to his throne boldly time and time again looking for him, seeking his will, needing his grace and he always gave me just what I needed. God was my sustainer during one of the darkest parts of my life. He gave me his grace when I needed it the most. He showed my mercy in the valley.
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