Dreams

About two years ago, I started sewing again.  I used to sew bags and a limited amount of clothing when Ansley was little but after a divorce, getting remarried, moving several times, changing jobs, and just life in general I quit sewing. So one day I dusted off my machine, grabbed some fabric and started sewing again.  Friends begin to see what I was doing and started ordering for me.  Then friends of friends started ordering.  I went from making bags and pillows to children's clothing and I discovered I was half way decent at it.  I started a fan page on FB and continued to get orders.  After that first Christmas season, I began to dream.  I dreamed what it would be like to quit my job, what it would be like to be a full time wife, Mommy, and seamstress.  So I started praying that if that is what God dreamed for me also that he would continue to bless my business and allow me to come home.

One day I read, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4.  I began to really believe in my heart that my dreams could come true as long as I was seeking God, as long as I put him first, as long as I saw that this was all about him and not about me.  So I clung to this verse and I prayed.

As I prayed my little part time business grew.  The first Christmas season in 2009 was really good.  I didn't push myself on people and I didn't openly advertise.  All I did was took what little talent God gave me and posted a picture of what I made on FB.  2010 was even better.  My business continued to grow.  So many times I would step back, look at how many orders I had, and know without a shadow of a doubt that it was God alone working.  I continued to pray that he would give me the desires of my heart.  The 2010 Christmas season was amazing.  I pretty much didn't have any kind of life in November and December of that year.  I worked full time at my real job and sewed the rest every spare moment I had.  I thought God was really working through my business.  I decided that after Christmas last year I was going to take a few weeks off from sewing to evaluate what God wanted me to do with my business.  I knew January would be a slow month so I would have time to think about things....that never happened.  January was just as busy as Decemeber.  In fact, I never got to take a break because God just kept blessing. 


I began to really believe Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope."  You see I had a dream, a desire, a hope, but I began to see that God had even bigger dreams and hopes for me.  I began to see that he wanted to do so much more with my little business than I could ever imagine. 

In December of 2010 Jeremy, my sweet husband and I decided we would start trying to have a baby.  I have a child from my first marriage.  Her and Jeremy are two peas in a pod and I am beyond blessed to have a husband who loves my sweet child as his own but I wanted him to have a child. I wanted Ansley to have a brother or sister from us.  I wanted another sweet baby to hold.  I dreamed of coming home and raising Ansley and a baby, of taking care of our home, of being the wife God called me to be, of sewing and making a living for my family.  I felt like my dreams were God's dreams for me too.

A series of events happened in February 2011 that made me feel like God was about to answer all of my prayers.  First off, my business had grown to the point that I was almost working 40 hours a week just sewing.  This was on top of me working my real job 40 hours a week.  Then we found out we were actually getting a tax refund which meant my shed could be fixed up so I could move my sewing business out there, and lastly we found out I was pregnant.  All of these things happened within a week of each other.  I became so excited.  I praised God cause in my mind he answered my prayers.  He seemed to have lined things up so perfectly. We started to tell our family and close friends about being pregnant and everyone rejoiced with us.  My 9 year old daughter was so happy that she cried for about 30 minutes.  God was good and it was so easy to see that. 

I started to make my own plans....notice how I just said my own plans.  That's going to be crucial in all of this.  I figured I would work at my real job the entire I was pregnant plus work at my sewing.  Then after I had our sweet baby I would come home.  If I worked while I was pregnant not only could we pay off every debt we had except the house note but we could also save a nice chunk of change saved.  Then we wouldn't have to worry so much if my sewing business ever got slow.

I prayed that the baby inside of me was growing to be perfect and healthy. I praised God for his perfect timing.  I had such joy because God answered my prayers.  Everything was perfect.  Little did I know that only a few short weeks later my "perfect" world was going to be turned upside down.  I was about to be plummeted into a valley so dark that I wondered how I would survive it.  My dreams were about to come apart at the seams.