This has been a tough year for the Alexander household. I love being home now but it's not easy. It's been very hard getting used to having less income. Sometimes I feel so ashamed that I can't buy for Ansley the way other parents do. I have to work hard and save hard to sometimes even get the most basic things. I don't own a credit card so there is no easy fix in my situation. It's tough telling her sometimes that we can't do something or can't have something. I tell myself that being home, where I still feel like God wants me to be, is better for her. She gets a Mom who can drop everything and go on field trips with her, I can go to every awards day, I am there to pick her up in the evenings...we get to spend so much more time together. I know within my heart that this is the better thing for her. However, knowing something is right doesn't make it easy by any means. When she grows up, I hope she doesn't remember that we might not could have afforded the best of everything, I hope she remembers she has a Mommy that thought time with her was more important than any amount of money.
Then there has been the loss of the two babies. If God had allowed us to keep the first baby, I would have that baby in my arms today. I would have had a Csection within the last few days and we would be falling in love with a tiny, sweet infant. Our family would be complete but that was not God's plan for us. Nor was it the plan for us the second time I got pregnant this year. It may never be God's plan for us. I know God's plans are so much better than mine. I really do only want his will for my life but it's hard getting to the point to where you give it all to him. It's hard making myself realize that another baby may never be God's plan for us. It's not only hard on me..it's hard on Jeremy, it's hard on my sweet Ansley, it's hard on my friends and family.
So it's been a tough year all around but God has been there every step of the way, guiding me, sustaining me. He has been my rock and my deliverer. My heart has been so broken. It has felt broke beyond repair but God has healed it. He has replaced my sorrow with joy, my tears with laughter. God has always been and will always be so good!
This morning I took Ansley to school. If you are in south Mississippi today you know it's a dreary looking day. The sky looked black on the way to school. It had started to rain some on us. I thought to myself, "What an ugly looking day." So as I'm looking at the sky, Ansley shouts, "Momma! Look! Look!," and she points to the East. I turned my head and saw the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen in my life. You couldn't actually see the sun but you could see the beauty it produced. The eastern horizon was the most beautiful shade of orange I have ever seen. The beams from the sun broke through the clouds and lit the sky up like nothing else I have ever seen. Ansley and I just stared at the beauty of it. I dropped Ansley off at school and rushed back to that spot because I had every intention of pulling over and enjoying the beauty God had given me this morning but it was gone. No more orange.
God speaks to me in so many ways. It may not be an audible voice but there are times when he speaks so clearly to the depths of my soul that I can understand every word he is saying. Sometimes it is through a scripture. The Holy Spirit opens my eyes to God's word in a way that I never understood it before. Sometimes it's just through prayer. Other times it's through my child's innocent childlike faith. At other times, it's through a friend. God speaks to me all the time as long as I have my heart tuned to him, as long as I'm looking for him, as long as I take the time to recognize his voice. This morning God spoke to me through that sunrise.
That sunrise this morning was a beautiful picture of my God. My path has felt so dark and dreary this year just like the sky this morning was dark and dreary. There seemed no end to the darkness. Just when I thought I was coming out of one storm, I was plunged into the depths of another one, but God has been with me all the way. I could not see God just like I could not see the actual sun this morning but I saw the results of him. I saw him in my husband, in my child, in my friends. I felt him with me every step of the way. I seen the beauty of the sun this morning without actually seeing the sun just like I see the beauty of His SON without actually seeing Him.
The sunrise also reminded me that even through the storms of my life there is always a beautiful sunrise waiting. I just have to give God time to work in me and through me. I have to give him everything and allow him to pick up the wreckage from the storm and allow him to put it back together. The pieces never go back the way they started. The pieces are cracked and there seems to be holes in them sometimes but that's when I allow God to fill me up with all that he is. He gives me new pieces to fill in the holes and he seals the cracks back together with his love...if I just allow it. It requires me having complete, absolute faith in him. It means giving up everything...my worries, my fears, my doubts...everything that robs me of the healing God so desperately wants to give me. It means dieing to myself day after day, moment after moment, but if I trust, God will replace my sorrow with beauty. He will take away my tears and give me laughter. He heals my soul by molding the pieces into the woman he created me to be.
Though this journey has been so hard, it's not over with yet. Until God allows me to meet him in glory it will never be over. There will be constant pain and healing. I will be broken time after time but God will ALWAYS be there to put back the pieces together. Praise God that he gives us reminders of his goodness and his grace. The sunrise this morning reminded me of exactly that. God is so good....so very, very good. I wish I didn't have to go through all the hurt I have been through this year. I wish I had my sweet baby in my arms today. However, I have needed this journey. I needed to see that above all God is what is most important. Everything and everybody will let you down. God NEVER does. Our lives may not be what we thought they would be and we may endure things beyond what we think we are capable of enduring. The path may seem so dark, but if we allow God to remind us of his will, of his plan, of his grace, of his mercy, our souls will be filled with a peace and a joy that cannot be explained in words. Our lives will be shaped in a way that is producing an eternal glory that CANNOT be taken away. We will see the hurts as a blessing and praise God for what he is doing and how he is working. I praise my Father for reminding me this morning through a sunrise that he is still working and that he hasn't left me. His beauty is all around me. All I had to do was open my eyes and heart to see it.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Give me Revelation
God has taught me how to pray consistently and constantly. After he showed me that I had to be persistant in my prayers, I decided to start fasting some. I did this for a week and it was one of the sweetest prayer times I have ever know. When I got hungry, I prayed. When I was tempted to go grab a snack, I prayed. When I felt weak, I prayed. I enjoyed fasting so much because it allowed me to be that much closer to God. And the whole time I was praying, I prayed for myself some, but I mainly prayed for those around me who were hurting.
During this time of seeking God, about 10 different people told me to read the book Heaven is For Real. I took that a sign that God wanted to show me something in that book. If you have never read this, run to the neartest book store or library and get it. It's a short book and an easy read but it is so eye opening. In this book there is the subject of miscarriage and it so greatly spoke to my soul. It opened my eyes to heaven and the beauty of it.
A week or so after reading it, I was spending some time one morning in prayer. My heart hurt so bad for the ladies I knew who had miscarriages in the past year or who couldn't even get pregnant. I cried and cried to God on their behalf. I prayed for my husband and my sweet Ansley. I prayed for all my friends and loved ones. Then, I started praying for myself. I prayed that God would rip down the walls I had built around my heart. I prayed that he would open my eyes to see the world and people as he saw them. I prayed that he would change my heart. I prayed that I wouldn't be so caught up in me and my world. I prayed that I would have a heart that loved people. I knew I needed God and that I needed a change of heart and he was the only one who could change it. Lastly, I prayed for a sweet baby Alexander. I prayed that God would allow us to get pregnant again and that the baby would be perfect and healthy and whole.
While praying that prayer, my mind flashed back to the countless times I had prayed that exact thing over two other babies this year. I had prayed for my sweet babies before I got pregnant and every day that I was pregnant. And I told God, "God I have already prayed this same prayer so many times this year and you didn't answer my prayers." And once again, I had a time standing still moment. God told me as plain as day in my soul, "Mellanie, I did answer your prayers. Your babies are perfect, they are healthy, and they are whole. They are with me and I love them so much more than you ever could."
That was a complete revelation to me. See I knew my babies were in Heaven. I never once doubted that. In my mind though, God had not answered my prayers. He took them to Heaven sooner than I thought they should go. I thought if he had answered them that I would still have one of my babies inside of me, but God showed me he asnwered my prayers exactly as I prayed them. I never once prayed that I would have those babies here on earth. I just prayed that they would be healthy and whole.
I cried for at least an hour after this...not tears of sadness for the babies I had lost, but tears of absolute joy in knowing that my babies were with God. Up to that point, I had on some level blamed myself for the miscarriages. By God showing me how he answered my prayers, I felt free. I could quit blaming myself and rest in knowing that the miscarriages were God's plan for my life. I could rest in knowing that I have two babies in Heaven. I could rest in the fact that one day I will see those babies. I like to believe they know how much their Mommy and Daddy and big sister loved them and wished they could have been here on Earth with us. I imagine them running through Heaven playing with each other, sitting in Jesus' lap loving him, anticipating the day when we will be there with them. It fills my heart with joy to know that they are right there with my Savior and he really does love them more than I ever could.
God showed me another revelation that day. Up to that point in my walk as a Christian, the thought of being dead had always scared me. I knew that I would be with Jesus but it still made me so uneasy to think about dieing. You see my heart was so tuned to this earth and the things in it that I never thought about the fact that this place was not my home. I didn't ever stop to think that Heaven is so much better than anything this earth could offer. That day my heart started to long for home. God put a longing in my heart to be with my babies. My arms ached to hold them, my lips longed to smother them with kisses, my mouth longed to tell them face to face that I loved them, my eyes longed to see there faces, my heart longed to just be with them. But above all of this, my heart longed to see my Savior face to face....I want to see the one who took the nails for me, I want to wrap my arms around him, I want to fall at his feet and worship and praise him with all that I am. I finally understood what Paul meant when he wrote to the Philipians and said to live is Christ, to die is gain. Now I'm not looking to shorten my life by any means. God has me here on this earth for a purpose. I choose to serve him here in whatever capacity he calls me but I rejoice in the fact that one day I will be able to go home and be with him for eternity.
I believe that God could not have shown me this revelation if I had not been praying for a change of heart. I think God needed to get me to the point to where I realized I needed to change and where I realized that he was all that I needed. I am amazed at what God shows me when I offer all that I am to him, when I choose to seek him instead of my own desires, when I choose to be still and listen.
I love my Lord. I need him every moment of every day. I need to pray to him, I need to cry to him, I need to rejoice with him, I need to praise him. God is so good. I never would have thought I could have survived two miscarriages but God showed me that his stregnth is perfect in my weakness. He really is all that I need.
During this time of seeking God, about 10 different people told me to read the book Heaven is For Real. I took that a sign that God wanted to show me something in that book. If you have never read this, run to the neartest book store or library and get it. It's a short book and an easy read but it is so eye opening. In this book there is the subject of miscarriage and it so greatly spoke to my soul. It opened my eyes to heaven and the beauty of it.
A week or so after reading it, I was spending some time one morning in prayer. My heart hurt so bad for the ladies I knew who had miscarriages in the past year or who couldn't even get pregnant. I cried and cried to God on their behalf. I prayed for my husband and my sweet Ansley. I prayed for all my friends and loved ones. Then, I started praying for myself. I prayed that God would rip down the walls I had built around my heart. I prayed that he would open my eyes to see the world and people as he saw them. I prayed that he would change my heart. I prayed that I wouldn't be so caught up in me and my world. I prayed that I would have a heart that loved people. I knew I needed God and that I needed a change of heart and he was the only one who could change it. Lastly, I prayed for a sweet baby Alexander. I prayed that God would allow us to get pregnant again and that the baby would be perfect and healthy and whole.
While praying that prayer, my mind flashed back to the countless times I had prayed that exact thing over two other babies this year. I had prayed for my sweet babies before I got pregnant and every day that I was pregnant. And I told God, "God I have already prayed this same prayer so many times this year and you didn't answer my prayers." And once again, I had a time standing still moment. God told me as plain as day in my soul, "Mellanie, I did answer your prayers. Your babies are perfect, they are healthy, and they are whole. They are with me and I love them so much more than you ever could."
That was a complete revelation to me. See I knew my babies were in Heaven. I never once doubted that. In my mind though, God had not answered my prayers. He took them to Heaven sooner than I thought they should go. I thought if he had answered them that I would still have one of my babies inside of me, but God showed me he asnwered my prayers exactly as I prayed them. I never once prayed that I would have those babies here on earth. I just prayed that they would be healthy and whole.
I cried for at least an hour after this...not tears of sadness for the babies I had lost, but tears of absolute joy in knowing that my babies were with God. Up to that point, I had on some level blamed myself for the miscarriages. By God showing me how he answered my prayers, I felt free. I could quit blaming myself and rest in knowing that the miscarriages were God's plan for my life. I could rest in knowing that I have two babies in Heaven. I could rest in the fact that one day I will see those babies. I like to believe they know how much their Mommy and Daddy and big sister loved them and wished they could have been here on Earth with us. I imagine them running through Heaven playing with each other, sitting in Jesus' lap loving him, anticipating the day when we will be there with them. It fills my heart with joy to know that they are right there with my Savior and he really does love them more than I ever could.
God showed me another revelation that day. Up to that point in my walk as a Christian, the thought of being dead had always scared me. I knew that I would be with Jesus but it still made me so uneasy to think about dieing. You see my heart was so tuned to this earth and the things in it that I never thought about the fact that this place was not my home. I didn't ever stop to think that Heaven is so much better than anything this earth could offer. That day my heart started to long for home. God put a longing in my heart to be with my babies. My arms ached to hold them, my lips longed to smother them with kisses, my mouth longed to tell them face to face that I loved them, my eyes longed to see there faces, my heart longed to just be with them. But above all of this, my heart longed to see my Savior face to face....I want to see the one who took the nails for me, I want to wrap my arms around him, I want to fall at his feet and worship and praise him with all that I am. I finally understood what Paul meant when he wrote to the Philipians and said to live is Christ, to die is gain. Now I'm not looking to shorten my life by any means. God has me here on this earth for a purpose. I choose to serve him here in whatever capacity he calls me but I rejoice in the fact that one day I will be able to go home and be with him for eternity.
I believe that God could not have shown me this revelation if I had not been praying for a change of heart. I think God needed to get me to the point to where I realized I needed to change and where I realized that he was all that I needed. I am amazed at what God shows me when I offer all that I am to him, when I choose to seek him instead of my own desires, when I choose to be still and listen.
I love my Lord. I need him every moment of every day. I need to pray to him, I need to cry to him, I need to rejoice with him, I need to praise him. God is so good. I never would have thought I could have survived two miscarriages but God showed me that his stregnth is perfect in my weakness. He really is all that I need.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Persistent Prayer Produces Powerful Results.
After the second miscarriage, God had me in a state of complete brokeness. I could not function without seeking him constantly. I prayed that he would help me make sense of all that had happened somehow. You see, I think God uses our hurts, our trials, our disappointments to teach us to rely on him. He wants to to show us eternal things and sometimes the only way he can do that is to break us. I felt broken beyond repair so I prayed that he would show me something, anything. I prayed that my eyes would be open to see the eternal things he wanted to teach me.
As I write what God showed me through this second miscarriage let me say this. I in know way see the whole picture. I have no idea what God's bigger plans are for me. I don't know to what magnitude he will use my hurts to help others. God only shows me glimpses of things. He sheds just enough light on the situation to get through things one day at a time. He gives me just enough mercy and grace to make it through that day. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "Now we will things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." I feel I am looking in a mirror and can't make out the whole image but I see shapes and outlines of what he is doing. And for me, that's enough. I have enough faith in God to know he sees the whole picture and o my goodness, his picture for me is so much better than I could ever dream. I also trust that one day when I stand face to face with God that I will understand everything perfectly.
So I believe God used my second miscarriage to break me, to completely break me, to get me to a point where I had no one and nothing but him. He needed to teach me some lessons and that was the only way to do it.
So in the weeks following the miscarriage, I spent so much time in prayer and in his word. He showed me new things each day. He used other people to show me things too. As I talked with friends, they would tell me stories of women who recently lost babies and though I didn't know them my heart broke for them. I found myself praying for these women. I discovered other friends who had been trying to get pregnant for so long and couldn't. My heart hurt for them too. So I prayed for them. I thought about my friends who had lost babies in the past year and my hurt broke for them.
Up until this point I had been so focused on myself and my own pain that I just never took the time to look around me and see how many other people were hurting. God was changing my heart and giving me compassion for other people. He was showing me how to love other people. He was showing me that through my brokeness, I could share my story and give other people hope and encouragement. That through my pain others could find strength to get through their own situation. He taught me to put others before myself. God slowly began to give me his eyes so that I could see.
One day God led me to Luke 11:9. It's the verse about asking, seeking, knocking. When I ready that I was like OK God I get it. When we ask we will receive and when we seek we will find. I understand it. And God so clearly impressed upon my soul to read the passage above this verse.
Luke 11:5-8 says, "...Suppopse you went to a friend's house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, 'A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.' And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, 'Don't bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can't help you.' But I tell you this-though he won't do it for friendship's sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence."
And I got it. I understood what God was calling me to do. He didn't want me to say a one line, one time prayer for my friends and myself. He wanted me to be persistent so I decided at that moment I would show God just how persistent I could be.
I started fasting and praying. My heart hurt so bad for all these other women. Their pain was my pain. I began to spend so much time in prayer crying out to God on their behalf. I prayed that until God blessed them with a child that they would have peace in knowing that his timing is perfect. In praying for others my heart began to heal some.
What an amazing thing prayer is. Through prayer God gives me strength, he gives me hope, he shows me mercy and grace, he makes me aware of my blessings. When I feel hurt and broken he reminds me of his faithfulness and promises.
Prayer is also powerful. James 5:16 says, "...The earnest prayers of a righteous person has great power and produces powerful results." It simply amazes me that my persitent prayers are being heard by my Father. And to know that he cares about those prayer....that humbles me and makes me eternally grateful.
So these days I pray for lots of people for lots of different things. If someone is hurting, I pray. If someone is rejoicing in their blessings, I pray and praise God for his goodness. If someone needs guidance about a decision I pray for that. But most of my prayer time is still devoted to people who are pregnant, who are trying to get pregnant or who have lost babies. My heart rejoices for those who God is blessing with children and hurts for those that haven't experienced that blessing yet. It's such a strange mix of emotions.
When friends tell me they are pregnant my heart absolutely praises God for that blessing in their lives but at the same time my heart hurts for myself and for the families I know who haven't been able to get pregnant yet. But my Heavenly Father is always so good to remind me that my journey is different than theirs, that his plans for me are so much better than my own. He opens my eyes to the blessings I do have and allows me to enjoy those blessings.
So their is rarely a day that goes by that I'm not praying for those around me. God hasn't chosen to answer most of my prayers yet but I believe that he can. A friend told me once that God always answers our prayers in three ways, he either answers them yes, no, or wait. I feel like I am in the wait period. I think God wants to see how persistent I am going to be. I think he has me waiting so he can mold me and make me into the woman he is calling me to be.
I believe with all that I am that God has a greater calling on my life....on all of our lives. I also believe the only way he could reach me, the only way he could make me see that all I needed was him, the only way he could make me aware of how I was not living the way he wanted me to live, was to break me with my second miscarriage. And honestly I see that as mercy. I know a lot of people could never understand how that could be merciful but it was. See God needed to get my attention. He could have done it by taking Jeremy from me or by taking Ansley from me. He could have destroyed so many different aspects of my life but he chose to take my sweet baby instead. And though it was hard and still is hard, I see that he was merciful in that.
I so love my Heavenly Father. He is so good to me everyday. I love praying for to him. I can't wait to see how he answers my prayers. I know in my own prayer for another baby that God may choose to answer that with a no. And though my heart longs for a sweet baby that belongs to Jeremy and myself, it longs even more for my Heavenly Father and his will for my life. I know his will is so much better than my own. But until God answers my prayer with a no, I continue to pray, for myself and for the people around me. I believe that our persistent prayers are going to produce powerful results. I believe God is going to take the situations of heartbreak and make turn them into something beautiful. And it won't be because we derserve it...it will be because that's just how good my God is.
As I write what God showed me through this second miscarriage let me say this. I in know way see the whole picture. I have no idea what God's bigger plans are for me. I don't know to what magnitude he will use my hurts to help others. God only shows me glimpses of things. He sheds just enough light on the situation to get through things one day at a time. He gives me just enough mercy and grace to make it through that day. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "Now we will things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." I feel I am looking in a mirror and can't make out the whole image but I see shapes and outlines of what he is doing. And for me, that's enough. I have enough faith in God to know he sees the whole picture and o my goodness, his picture for me is so much better than I could ever dream. I also trust that one day when I stand face to face with God that I will understand everything perfectly.
So I believe God used my second miscarriage to break me, to completely break me, to get me to a point where I had no one and nothing but him. He needed to teach me some lessons and that was the only way to do it.
So in the weeks following the miscarriage, I spent so much time in prayer and in his word. He showed me new things each day. He used other people to show me things too. As I talked with friends, they would tell me stories of women who recently lost babies and though I didn't know them my heart broke for them. I found myself praying for these women. I discovered other friends who had been trying to get pregnant for so long and couldn't. My heart hurt for them too. So I prayed for them. I thought about my friends who had lost babies in the past year and my hurt broke for them.
Up until this point I had been so focused on myself and my own pain that I just never took the time to look around me and see how many other people were hurting. God was changing my heart and giving me compassion for other people. He was showing me how to love other people. He was showing me that through my brokeness, I could share my story and give other people hope and encouragement. That through my pain others could find strength to get through their own situation. He taught me to put others before myself. God slowly began to give me his eyes so that I could see.
One day God led me to Luke 11:9. It's the verse about asking, seeking, knocking. When I ready that I was like OK God I get it. When we ask we will receive and when we seek we will find. I understand it. And God so clearly impressed upon my soul to read the passage above this verse.
Luke 11:5-8 says, "...Suppopse you went to a friend's house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, 'A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.' And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, 'Don't bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can't help you.' But I tell you this-though he won't do it for friendship's sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence."
And I got it. I understood what God was calling me to do. He didn't want me to say a one line, one time prayer for my friends and myself. He wanted me to be persistent so I decided at that moment I would show God just how persistent I could be.
I started fasting and praying. My heart hurt so bad for all these other women. Their pain was my pain. I began to spend so much time in prayer crying out to God on their behalf. I prayed that until God blessed them with a child that they would have peace in knowing that his timing is perfect. In praying for others my heart began to heal some.
What an amazing thing prayer is. Through prayer God gives me strength, he gives me hope, he shows me mercy and grace, he makes me aware of my blessings. When I feel hurt and broken he reminds me of his faithfulness and promises.
Prayer is also powerful. James 5:16 says, "...The earnest prayers of a righteous person has great power and produces powerful results." It simply amazes me that my persitent prayers are being heard by my Father. And to know that he cares about those prayer....that humbles me and makes me eternally grateful.
So these days I pray for lots of people for lots of different things. If someone is hurting, I pray. If someone is rejoicing in their blessings, I pray and praise God for his goodness. If someone needs guidance about a decision I pray for that. But most of my prayer time is still devoted to people who are pregnant, who are trying to get pregnant or who have lost babies. My heart rejoices for those who God is blessing with children and hurts for those that haven't experienced that blessing yet. It's such a strange mix of emotions.
When friends tell me they are pregnant my heart absolutely praises God for that blessing in their lives but at the same time my heart hurts for myself and for the families I know who haven't been able to get pregnant yet. But my Heavenly Father is always so good to remind me that my journey is different than theirs, that his plans for me are so much better than my own. He opens my eyes to the blessings I do have and allows me to enjoy those blessings.
So their is rarely a day that goes by that I'm not praying for those around me. God hasn't chosen to answer most of my prayers yet but I believe that he can. A friend told me once that God always answers our prayers in three ways, he either answers them yes, no, or wait. I feel like I am in the wait period. I think God wants to see how persistent I am going to be. I think he has me waiting so he can mold me and make me into the woman he is calling me to be.
I believe with all that I am that God has a greater calling on my life....on all of our lives. I also believe the only way he could reach me, the only way he could make me see that all I needed was him, the only way he could make me aware of how I was not living the way he wanted me to live, was to break me with my second miscarriage. And honestly I see that as mercy. I know a lot of people could never understand how that could be merciful but it was. See God needed to get my attention. He could have done it by taking Jeremy from me or by taking Ansley from me. He could have destroyed so many different aspects of my life but he chose to take my sweet baby instead. And though it was hard and still is hard, I see that he was merciful in that.
I so love my Heavenly Father. He is so good to me everyday. I love praying for to him. I can't wait to see how he answers my prayers. I know in my own prayer for another baby that God may choose to answer that with a no. And though my heart longs for a sweet baby that belongs to Jeremy and myself, it longs even more for my Heavenly Father and his will for my life. I know his will is so much better than my own. But until God answers my prayer with a no, I continue to pray, for myself and for the people around me. I believe that our persistent prayers are going to produce powerful results. I believe God is going to take the situations of heartbreak and make turn them into something beautiful. And it won't be because we derserve it...it will be because that's just how good my God is.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Back in the Valley
A month after I came home I started feeling....not right. I was a little nauseated and just didn't feel normal. I kept telling my husband I was pregnant so a day before my period should have started I took a pregnancy test and low and behold, it was positive. I took another one a few days later...positive and a third one a few days after that....positive. We had got pregnant our first time trying again. I can't really tell you the mix of emotions I felt. Honestly I was so excited and in my heart I thought, "God you have rewarded me for trusting you and coming home like you wanted me to. You have redeemed the loss of our first baby together by giving us another one." Looking back I see just how arrogant that assumption was. Who am I to even think I know what God is doing and what his plans are for me? I don't know that God was testing me to see what my reaction would be but if he was, I failed miserably.
Along with being excited I was terrified. What if the baby didn't grow? What if we lost another baby? How was I going to deal with the loss of another baby if we did lose it? I was a mix of emotions. Every time I would get sick I praised God. I know so many women who complain about being sick all the time and yes it is hard but I felt like if I was getting sick then that meant the baby was growing. If there was a day I wasn't sick, a state of panic would set in. Maybe the baby wasn't growing...it was a roller coaster of a ride for me.
We only told 2 sets of friends we were pregnant. We told them because we knew they were prayer warriors and would go before God's throne constantly seeking prayer. We knew we needed prayer and lots of it.
The night before my doctor's appointment I started cramping some. I attributed it to the fact that my tummy had not felt right for days but I knew this was different. It felt like the cramps I had when I lost the last baby but I shoved those worries aside and just rested in God's hands.
I went to see my doctor at 8 weeks and 1 day. Jeremy told me that I was not to have an ultrasound that day under any circumstances cause he wanted to see our baby too. My doctor was shocked to see me back again so soon. I could hear him out in the hall saying, "You are kidding me." He walked in and I told him how scared I was. Once he found out how far along I was he scheduled an ultrasound right on the spot. I protested because of my sweet Jeremy wanting to be there but he said we could do another one for him.
As I waited in the hall to be called back to do the ultrasound, fear gripped me and would not let me go. I was still cramping a little at this point. I texted a friend about it and asked her to pray for me. She offered to come sit with me since she was right around the corner but I told her not to worry about it. I think on some level, I knew that this was not going to end well but I had to hold out hope til the end.
The ultrasound tech rushed through paperwork cause she knew how nervous I was. She performed the other ultrasound on the baby we lost so she understood my fears. When she started checking me she said, "There's that sweet baby." I looked up and saw our baby on the screen. Big tears filled my eyes cause there he or she was. God had allowed this baby to start forming. But in the next instant as I looked at the screen I knew that the baby had already died. I just knew it. The lady kept trying to hear the heartbeat and she didn't even have to tell me there was none. I looked at her and said, "There's no heartbeat is there?" And with a painful expression she said, "No, I'm so sorry."
I can't even describe how I felt in that moment of time. I texted my friend who offered to sit with me and told her there was no heartbeat. I sat there...alone...and broken hearted. I tried to hold it together and not cry too much because I was alone. Within five minutes, my sweet friend walked into the room and I lost it. I told her I didn't know if this was worth all this pain and heartache and at that moment I didn't think it was. The doctor and office manager walked in and gave me hugs. I told the doctor maybe God just didn't want us to have a baby. Everyone reassured me the best they could that these things happen all the time. Yes I knew that they did. I had a friend who lost numerous babies before God revealed his perfect timing and blessed them with their sweet miracle. I just never thought it would happen to me again.
I drove myself home. I was devastated. I couldn't believe that after all I had been through that I was plunged right back down into the valley. I felt so lost so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I prayed.
I remember so clearly that I went to my bedroom and got down on my knees and started pouring out my hurts to God. I told him, "God I don't understand this. I don't understand why you would let me get pregnant again so fast after losing our other baby only to take this one away from us too. But I choose today to praise you. I choose to love you and thank you for the blessings I do have."
It's so easy to praise God when everything is going good in our lives. It's much harder to praise him when you feel like you have plummeted off the mountain back into the valley but I had a choice that day to make. I could be bitter towards God, I could blame him, I could be angry or I could choose to praise the one who holds me in his hands. I chose to praise him. I knew the only way I was ever going to get through this again was to praise him. I was so thankful for the blessings he gave me. And I knew that there was a reason for this. I had already accepted the fact that this was all part of his plan. How could I be bitter towards the one who loved me and wanted good things for me? How could I be bitter towards the one who made a promise to me that he wanted to do so much more with my life? How could I be bitter towards the one who took my place on Calvary?
Let me make this clear. Having a previous miscarriage and knowing what to expect didn't make this one any easier. This miscarriage hurt even worse than the first one. I was devastated. Just because I accepted that this was God's plan for my life and just because he filled me with his love and peace doesn't mean it still didn't hurt. Losing one baby was hard enough but losing a second one so soon after the first one was harder. My heart had not fully healed from the first miscarriage. And now I was faced with the loss of a second sweet baby...another baby I would never hold here on earth. I knew this baby was with his brother or sister in Heaven and that was somewhat comforting at that time. However, my heart ached to have both of them still with me.
So I found myself back in the valley....heart broken...but hopeful.
Along with being excited I was terrified. What if the baby didn't grow? What if we lost another baby? How was I going to deal with the loss of another baby if we did lose it? I was a mix of emotions. Every time I would get sick I praised God. I know so many women who complain about being sick all the time and yes it is hard but I felt like if I was getting sick then that meant the baby was growing. If there was a day I wasn't sick, a state of panic would set in. Maybe the baby wasn't growing...it was a roller coaster of a ride for me.
We only told 2 sets of friends we were pregnant. We told them because we knew they were prayer warriors and would go before God's throne constantly seeking prayer. We knew we needed prayer and lots of it.
The night before my doctor's appointment I started cramping some. I attributed it to the fact that my tummy had not felt right for days but I knew this was different. It felt like the cramps I had when I lost the last baby but I shoved those worries aside and just rested in God's hands.
I went to see my doctor at 8 weeks and 1 day. Jeremy told me that I was not to have an ultrasound that day under any circumstances cause he wanted to see our baby too. My doctor was shocked to see me back again so soon. I could hear him out in the hall saying, "You are kidding me." He walked in and I told him how scared I was. Once he found out how far along I was he scheduled an ultrasound right on the spot. I protested because of my sweet Jeremy wanting to be there but he said we could do another one for him.
As I waited in the hall to be called back to do the ultrasound, fear gripped me and would not let me go. I was still cramping a little at this point. I texted a friend about it and asked her to pray for me. She offered to come sit with me since she was right around the corner but I told her not to worry about it. I think on some level, I knew that this was not going to end well but I had to hold out hope til the end.
The ultrasound tech rushed through paperwork cause she knew how nervous I was. She performed the other ultrasound on the baby we lost so she understood my fears. When she started checking me she said, "There's that sweet baby." I looked up and saw our baby on the screen. Big tears filled my eyes cause there he or she was. God had allowed this baby to start forming. But in the next instant as I looked at the screen I knew that the baby had already died. I just knew it. The lady kept trying to hear the heartbeat and she didn't even have to tell me there was none. I looked at her and said, "There's no heartbeat is there?" And with a painful expression she said, "No, I'm so sorry."
I can't even describe how I felt in that moment of time. I texted my friend who offered to sit with me and told her there was no heartbeat. I sat there...alone...and broken hearted. I tried to hold it together and not cry too much because I was alone. Within five minutes, my sweet friend walked into the room and I lost it. I told her I didn't know if this was worth all this pain and heartache and at that moment I didn't think it was. The doctor and office manager walked in and gave me hugs. I told the doctor maybe God just didn't want us to have a baby. Everyone reassured me the best they could that these things happen all the time. Yes I knew that they did. I had a friend who lost numerous babies before God revealed his perfect timing and blessed them with their sweet miracle. I just never thought it would happen to me again.
I drove myself home. I was devastated. I couldn't believe that after all I had been through that I was plunged right back down into the valley. I felt so lost so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I prayed.
I remember so clearly that I went to my bedroom and got down on my knees and started pouring out my hurts to God. I told him, "God I don't understand this. I don't understand why you would let me get pregnant again so fast after losing our other baby only to take this one away from us too. But I choose today to praise you. I choose to love you and thank you for the blessings I do have."
It's so easy to praise God when everything is going good in our lives. It's much harder to praise him when you feel like you have plummeted off the mountain back into the valley but I had a choice that day to make. I could be bitter towards God, I could blame him, I could be angry or I could choose to praise the one who holds me in his hands. I chose to praise him. I knew the only way I was ever going to get through this again was to praise him. I was so thankful for the blessings he gave me. And I knew that there was a reason for this. I had already accepted the fact that this was all part of his plan. How could I be bitter towards the one who loved me and wanted good things for me? How could I be bitter towards the one who made a promise to me that he wanted to do so much more with my life? How could I be bitter towards the one who took my place on Calvary?
Let me make this clear. Having a previous miscarriage and knowing what to expect didn't make this one any easier. This miscarriage hurt even worse than the first one. I was devastated. Just because I accepted that this was God's plan for my life and just because he filled me with his love and peace doesn't mean it still didn't hurt. Losing one baby was hard enough but losing a second one so soon after the first one was harder. My heart had not fully healed from the first miscarriage. And now I was faced with the loss of a second sweet baby...another baby I would never hold here on earth. I knew this baby was with his brother or sister in Heaven and that was somewhat comforting at that time. However, my heart ached to have both of them still with me.
So I found myself back in the valley....heart broken...but hopeful.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Timing, Trust, and Leaps of Faith
After the miscarriage, I felt so lost. Not only had I lost my baby but I felt like God had taken away my dream of coming home and sewing full time. Remember how in an earlier post I said everything lined up perfectly and that I started making plans? Looking back I assumed that God lined everything up in a pretty little row and I started making plans of my own. I realize now I thanked God and praised him for what he was doing but I never once asked him if all of that was his plan. I decided I would work the entire I was pregnant but never consulted him about it. It's so easy to see now how I just took control of the situation instead of relying on God to lead me.
Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts says the Lord. And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts." When I read this verse and read Jeremiah 29:11 I slowly began to see that even though God wants to give us our hearts desires it's all about his way, his plans, his timing. I had made the mistake of assuming I knew God's timing when really I never even prayed about it.
So I began to pray and seek God's will. I could feel with all that was in me that God still wanted me to come home. He continued to bless my business. I was working 80 hours a week between both jobs soon after the miscarriage. I had no life. I spent no time with Jeremy and Ansley. Between working that many hours, the miscarriage, and not being able to do anything I slowly began to come apart at the seams. I just didn't see how God could want me to work that way. I rarely saw Jeremy. Ansley stays with us every other week and I barely got to see her because as soon as I got home from my day job I started sewing and worked til 10 or 11 every night. Plus I would sew most all day Saturday and part of Sunday. I started crying to God even louder and more frequent. Something had to give.
God showed me that his timing and my timing were so different. In my mind we would get pregnant again and I would work while I was pregnant which meant probably another year of working 80 hours a week. God had different plans for me. He began to show me that I was living but had no quality of life. He showed me that his timing was different for me. He began to impress the importance of me being there for my sweet daughter and my husband and through lots of prayer I saw that his plan was for me to come home soon.
At this time I was in sales so I spent lots of time in my car traveling. I would pray, pray, and pray some more. I praised God, I would sing songs to him, I would tell him my needs. One day on the way to the coast I was crying to him. I literally had massive tears coming down my face. I had been praying that God would show me when it was time to come home. You see I knew if it wasn't God's timing that me being home would never work. It had to be about him and not me.
I was still so heart broken over the loss of our baby and I just needed God. I needed him to heal me and let me know I was going to be ok. I needed him to show me what to do. I needed to know his plans. I needed to know his timing. I needed to know that he would take care of me.
So while praying I calculated how much money I would need to make every month just to survive. I don't mean money to go out and eat on, or to buy new clothes, or go to the movies...just the money to pay tithes, bills, put gas in my car and get us groceries. My number wasn't really big but it still scared me. I had been making that much easily in sewing every month for at least 6 months but it still scared me. So I told God I knew he was calling me to take the leap of faith and go home full time. I knew the time was soon but I was so scared. I told him exactly how much I needed every month just to survive. I was crying because all I wanted to do was just trust him and follow him but I needed something...some kind of reassurance.
There in my car, driving down the road it was like time stood still. God may not have spoken to me in an audible voice but within my soul I recognized his voice so clearly. I have always thought of God as my Daddy and that's how he reached out to me. It was like he gently touched my tear stained face, lifted my chin and said, "Mellanie, my child. Why are you limiting me? Why are you putting limitations on what I can do? Do you not know that I want to do so much more for you than that?" And peace flooded my soul once again. Even now as I type this big tears are in my eyes because I am so amazed that the God of this universe loved me enough to take the time to quiet my fears and to speak so clearly to me. I was and am still amazed at this one moment in my life.
Pretty soon after that a friend told me that she didn't think God ever intended us (women) to work the way we do. We work to buy our kids things when what they really needed was us. I was right on the edge of deciding when to put in my notice and I believe God used her to speak to my heart and push me over that edge. I realized that God needed me to give Ansley my time not the things money could buy her by working two jobs. The next day I trusted in God's plan and timing and I took a leap of faith. I put in my notice and never looked back. When I put in my notice it was like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders. I don't think I ever realized how many burdens I was carrying up until that point.
God took the pain of my miscarriage and made something beautiful out of it. I got to come home. God broke me with my miscarriage. You see he needed me to hear him, he needed to get my attention and he used my miscarriage to do that. He took me to a place I never wanted to go but only there in the valley could I see that God was all I needed. There is where I seen that his grace really is enough. There in the valley is where I could hear God speak to me and see his plans for me. If I had chosen to be bitter I would have missed the blessing. If I had not been seeking God day and night I could of never heard his voice. If I had not given God the pieces of my broken heart and allowed him to put them back together the way he wanted them to I would have missed how he can take our heartbreaks and turn them into something beautiful.
God took away my baby but he answered my prayers to come home. God rarely answers are prayers the way we think they are going to be answered. Sometimes our prayers have some painful consequences. Sometimes those answers throw us down into the valley but if you wait, if you seek him, if you trust him, if you really listen to what he has to say to you and show you, if you open your eyes to what he is doing in the midst of the valley you will see that God is there. He is still working and he is answering your prayer.
"In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you says the Lord. I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land." Jeremiah 29:12-14
What a MIGHTY and FAITHFUL God we serve!
Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts says the Lord. And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts." When I read this verse and read Jeremiah 29:11 I slowly began to see that even though God wants to give us our hearts desires it's all about his way, his plans, his timing. I had made the mistake of assuming I knew God's timing when really I never even prayed about it.
So I began to pray and seek God's will. I could feel with all that was in me that God still wanted me to come home. He continued to bless my business. I was working 80 hours a week between both jobs soon after the miscarriage. I had no life. I spent no time with Jeremy and Ansley. Between working that many hours, the miscarriage, and not being able to do anything I slowly began to come apart at the seams. I just didn't see how God could want me to work that way. I rarely saw Jeremy. Ansley stays with us every other week and I barely got to see her because as soon as I got home from my day job I started sewing and worked til 10 or 11 every night. Plus I would sew most all day Saturday and part of Sunday. I started crying to God even louder and more frequent. Something had to give.
God showed me that his timing and my timing were so different. In my mind we would get pregnant again and I would work while I was pregnant which meant probably another year of working 80 hours a week. God had different plans for me. He began to show me that I was living but had no quality of life. He showed me that his timing was different for me. He began to impress the importance of me being there for my sweet daughter and my husband and through lots of prayer I saw that his plan was for me to come home soon.
At this time I was in sales so I spent lots of time in my car traveling. I would pray, pray, and pray some more. I praised God, I would sing songs to him, I would tell him my needs. One day on the way to the coast I was crying to him. I literally had massive tears coming down my face. I had been praying that God would show me when it was time to come home. You see I knew if it wasn't God's timing that me being home would never work. It had to be about him and not me.
I was still so heart broken over the loss of our baby and I just needed God. I needed him to heal me and let me know I was going to be ok. I needed him to show me what to do. I needed to know his plans. I needed to know his timing. I needed to know that he would take care of me.
So while praying I calculated how much money I would need to make every month just to survive. I don't mean money to go out and eat on, or to buy new clothes, or go to the movies...just the money to pay tithes, bills, put gas in my car and get us groceries. My number wasn't really big but it still scared me. I had been making that much easily in sewing every month for at least 6 months but it still scared me. So I told God I knew he was calling me to take the leap of faith and go home full time. I knew the time was soon but I was so scared. I told him exactly how much I needed every month just to survive. I was crying because all I wanted to do was just trust him and follow him but I needed something...some kind of reassurance.
There in my car, driving down the road it was like time stood still. God may not have spoken to me in an audible voice but within my soul I recognized his voice so clearly. I have always thought of God as my Daddy and that's how he reached out to me. It was like he gently touched my tear stained face, lifted my chin and said, "Mellanie, my child. Why are you limiting me? Why are you putting limitations on what I can do? Do you not know that I want to do so much more for you than that?" And peace flooded my soul once again. Even now as I type this big tears are in my eyes because I am so amazed that the God of this universe loved me enough to take the time to quiet my fears and to speak so clearly to me. I was and am still amazed at this one moment in my life.
Pretty soon after that a friend told me that she didn't think God ever intended us (women) to work the way we do. We work to buy our kids things when what they really needed was us. I was right on the edge of deciding when to put in my notice and I believe God used her to speak to my heart and push me over that edge. I realized that God needed me to give Ansley my time not the things money could buy her by working two jobs. The next day I trusted in God's plan and timing and I took a leap of faith. I put in my notice and never looked back. When I put in my notice it was like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders. I don't think I ever realized how many burdens I was carrying up until that point.
God took the pain of my miscarriage and made something beautiful out of it. I got to come home. God broke me with my miscarriage. You see he needed me to hear him, he needed to get my attention and he used my miscarriage to do that. He took me to a place I never wanted to go but only there in the valley could I see that God was all I needed. There is where I seen that his grace really is enough. There in the valley is where I could hear God speak to me and see his plans for me. If I had chosen to be bitter I would have missed the blessing. If I had not been seeking God day and night I could of never heard his voice. If I had not given God the pieces of my broken heart and allowed him to put them back together the way he wanted them to I would have missed how he can take our heartbreaks and turn them into something beautiful.
God took away my baby but he answered my prayers to come home. God rarely answers are prayers the way we think they are going to be answered. Sometimes our prayers have some painful consequences. Sometimes those answers throw us down into the valley but if you wait, if you seek him, if you trust him, if you really listen to what he has to say to you and show you, if you open your eyes to what he is doing in the midst of the valley you will see that God is there. He is still working and he is answering your prayer.
"In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you says the Lord. I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land." Jeremiah 29:12-14
What a MIGHTY and FAITHFUL God we serve!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Mercy in the Valley
These next few blogs are probably going to be a little lengthy but I feel like I need to tell the whole story so you can get a clear picture of exactly what my God was doing in my life during these darker days.
I went to my first OB appointment filled with hope and excitement. Everything seemed great so we scheduled an ultrasound. Jeremy, my sweet husband, left work to come to the ultrasound with me that Thursday. I was so excited to see Jeremy's reaction to the ultrasound. This would be his first time experiencing a pregnancy. In my head I was already dreaming about the day he could feel our baby kick and could see the baby's tiny hand or foot move across my belly. I dreamt about him holding our baby for the first time. Jeremy is such an amazing Dad to my sweet Ansley so I knew he would be wonderful with our baby.
We went back for the ultrasound and I could hardly contain myself. I had a child from a previous marriage so I knew the routine. I stared at the screen as the ultrasound was being performed but something wasn't right. The screen showed what looked to be a rather large sac, which was my uterus, with nothing inside of it. A million thoughts ran through my mind. I kept looking at it and thinking is that the baby? It doesn't look the same as when I had Ansley but it had been 10 years since I had her so maybe things had changed. Why couldn't I see the baby? Maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was. That had to be it. I was only 3 or 4 weeks instead of 7. So I asked the lady, "Is that the baby?" And she wouldn't answer me. She took a few more measurements on the screen, put down her equipment and said five words that I will never forget. "I'm sorry, there's nothing there."
I got up from the table to put my clothes back on trying to process what she just said. Nothing there? There had to be a mistake. I took 3 pregnancy tests. They all came back positive. What did she mean there was nothing there. I came back into the room and she gave the technical term for what my pregnancy was but I can't remember what it was because my mind was in overdrive trying to process this. She walked out of the room so she could get a doctor to talk to me and I lost it. I broke down and cried a river right there. I felt like God had played some kind of cruel joke on me. How could this be? God lined up everything so perfectly. Everything was falling into place. And it hit me...not only was I losing my baby but I felt like God was destroying me dream. I was devestated beyond belief. Jeremy tried to comfort me the best he could but he didn't understand the depths of my loss. He didn't know what it was like to have a baby inside of you and feel it move. He didn't know what it was like to hold a newborn and realize that that sweet baby was dependent on you for his/her every want or need. Though he tried the best he could, nothing he said comforted me.
Before I move on let me say this, my doctor later told me a sperm had fertilized an egg but somewhere along the way it never made it to the uterus. I believe with all that I am that life begins at the moment of conception. There was a baby there even if it never grew past the moment of conception. No one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.
I drove myself home while Jeremy went back to work. Several friends came over as soon as they heard and offered their love and prayers and for this I am eternally grateful. I called Jeremy and asked him to come home because I needed him there with me. Even if he couldn't make all of this better at least I wouldn't be alone. While I waited for him to get there I did the only thing I knew to do...I prayed. I cried out to my God. I told him I didn't understand why he did this. He lined up everything so perfectly. I thought I knew his plans for me but now those dreams seem to be shattered. I was devestated.
It's so easy for us to praise God when everything is good, when everything seems to be going along as planned. It's a lot harder to praise him when your world crumbles around you, when your heart shatters like broken glass. I had a choice to make. I could have been bitter, I could have blamed God, but I chose to praise him instead. I thanked him for the good things he gave me. I asked him to open my eyes and help me see how he showed me mercy through this because at that moment all I could see was my pain.
Looking back now, I can so clearly see how God was preparing me for that moment. I had been praying and seeking his will for my life. He knew I would have to make a choice, bitterness or praise. I'm so eternally grateful that for once in my life I got it right. My heart was tuned to God just enough for him to open my eyes so he could start showing me that very day how he showed my such mercy through my situation.
Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for what all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." That day I needed peace. I hurt beyond what I though I could endure and when my heart felt cry to God was for peace in the midst of my storm that is exactly what he gave me. That in no way means that I wasn't still hurting. My heart was shattered...it just meant that I rested in knowing God heard me, I rested in knowing he was in that very room with me, I rested in knowing that he would help me understand all of this, I rested in knowing that he had plans for me and they were for good and not harm.
God opened my eyes that day to how merciful he was in my situation. First of all I could of had the miscarriage on my own but I found out by ultrasound. I was able to have a D&C and I didn't have to have a miscarriage at my home. That was God's mercy. Ansley's Dad and I share custody of her and it so happened that it was his week to have her. However, I got her on Thursdays on his week so I could take her to gymnastics. We had the ultrasound on a Thursday. My sweet Ansley was devestated when we broke the news to her and I had to crawl out of my pain to comfort her in hers...that was God's mercy. Not only that but having my sweet child beside me, being able to hold her and love her, seeing God's gift to me right before my eyes comforted me in a way that no one else could. That was God's mercy.
So I praised God through my pain that day and in the following months. I thanked God for the child that I did have. I told God that even if he never gave me another baby I would still praise him because I had Ansley. My eyes were opened to how some women never have children and to how blessed I was to even have her. She really is a gift from God.
My heart began to heal with time the best that it could. I had ups and downs everyday. Some days my heart would feel like it was breaking beyond repair again but I always cried out to God and he always gave me peace. He began to show me how blessed I really was. I cried almost everyday and many days it was because I was so overwhelmed with how good my God is. Some people didn't understand how I could praise him through this but my answer was always how could I not? If all he ever did for me was die on Calvary, it would have been enough. But he gave me a husband who loves and adores me, he gave me my sweet Ansley, he gave me food, a car, a home, friends, family, sunsets in the afternoons, good health, the ability to get up and run, the beauty of creation....my list could go on and on. With all that God has blessed me with how could I not choose to praise him through my pain?
Hebrews 4:16 says, "So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and will find grace to help us when we need it the most." I came to his throne boldly time and time again looking for him, seeking his will, needing his grace and he always gave me just what I needed. God was my sustainer during one of the darkest parts of my life. He gave me his grace when I needed it the most. He showed my mercy in the valley.
I went to my first OB appointment filled with hope and excitement. Everything seemed great so we scheduled an ultrasound. Jeremy, my sweet husband, left work to come to the ultrasound with me that Thursday. I was so excited to see Jeremy's reaction to the ultrasound. This would be his first time experiencing a pregnancy. In my head I was already dreaming about the day he could feel our baby kick and could see the baby's tiny hand or foot move across my belly. I dreamt about him holding our baby for the first time. Jeremy is such an amazing Dad to my sweet Ansley so I knew he would be wonderful with our baby.
We went back for the ultrasound and I could hardly contain myself. I had a child from a previous marriage so I knew the routine. I stared at the screen as the ultrasound was being performed but something wasn't right. The screen showed what looked to be a rather large sac, which was my uterus, with nothing inside of it. A million thoughts ran through my mind. I kept looking at it and thinking is that the baby? It doesn't look the same as when I had Ansley but it had been 10 years since I had her so maybe things had changed. Why couldn't I see the baby? Maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was. That had to be it. I was only 3 or 4 weeks instead of 7. So I asked the lady, "Is that the baby?" And she wouldn't answer me. She took a few more measurements on the screen, put down her equipment and said five words that I will never forget. "I'm sorry, there's nothing there."
I got up from the table to put my clothes back on trying to process what she just said. Nothing there? There had to be a mistake. I took 3 pregnancy tests. They all came back positive. What did she mean there was nothing there. I came back into the room and she gave the technical term for what my pregnancy was but I can't remember what it was because my mind was in overdrive trying to process this. She walked out of the room so she could get a doctor to talk to me and I lost it. I broke down and cried a river right there. I felt like God had played some kind of cruel joke on me. How could this be? God lined up everything so perfectly. Everything was falling into place. And it hit me...not only was I losing my baby but I felt like God was destroying me dream. I was devestated beyond belief. Jeremy tried to comfort me the best he could but he didn't understand the depths of my loss. He didn't know what it was like to have a baby inside of you and feel it move. He didn't know what it was like to hold a newborn and realize that that sweet baby was dependent on you for his/her every want or need. Though he tried the best he could, nothing he said comforted me.
Before I move on let me say this, my doctor later told me a sperm had fertilized an egg but somewhere along the way it never made it to the uterus. I believe with all that I am that life begins at the moment of conception. There was a baby there even if it never grew past the moment of conception. No one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.
I drove myself home while Jeremy went back to work. Several friends came over as soon as they heard and offered their love and prayers and for this I am eternally grateful. I called Jeremy and asked him to come home because I needed him there with me. Even if he couldn't make all of this better at least I wouldn't be alone. While I waited for him to get there I did the only thing I knew to do...I prayed. I cried out to my God. I told him I didn't understand why he did this. He lined up everything so perfectly. I thought I knew his plans for me but now those dreams seem to be shattered. I was devestated.
It's so easy for us to praise God when everything is good, when everything seems to be going along as planned. It's a lot harder to praise him when your world crumbles around you, when your heart shatters like broken glass. I had a choice to make. I could have been bitter, I could have blamed God, but I chose to praise him instead. I thanked him for the good things he gave me. I asked him to open my eyes and help me see how he showed me mercy through this because at that moment all I could see was my pain.
Looking back now, I can so clearly see how God was preparing me for that moment. I had been praying and seeking his will for my life. He knew I would have to make a choice, bitterness or praise. I'm so eternally grateful that for once in my life I got it right. My heart was tuned to God just enough for him to open my eyes so he could start showing me that very day how he showed my such mercy through my situation.
Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for what all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." That day I needed peace. I hurt beyond what I though I could endure and when my heart felt cry to God was for peace in the midst of my storm that is exactly what he gave me. That in no way means that I wasn't still hurting. My heart was shattered...it just meant that I rested in knowing God heard me, I rested in knowing he was in that very room with me, I rested in knowing that he would help me understand all of this, I rested in knowing that he had plans for me and they were for good and not harm.
God opened my eyes that day to how merciful he was in my situation. First of all I could of had the miscarriage on my own but I found out by ultrasound. I was able to have a D&C and I didn't have to have a miscarriage at my home. That was God's mercy. Ansley's Dad and I share custody of her and it so happened that it was his week to have her. However, I got her on Thursdays on his week so I could take her to gymnastics. We had the ultrasound on a Thursday. My sweet Ansley was devestated when we broke the news to her and I had to crawl out of my pain to comfort her in hers...that was God's mercy. Not only that but having my sweet child beside me, being able to hold her and love her, seeing God's gift to me right before my eyes comforted me in a way that no one else could. That was God's mercy.
So I praised God through my pain that day and in the following months. I thanked God for the child that I did have. I told God that even if he never gave me another baby I would still praise him because I had Ansley. My eyes were opened to how some women never have children and to how blessed I was to even have her. She really is a gift from God.
My heart began to heal with time the best that it could. I had ups and downs everyday. Some days my heart would feel like it was breaking beyond repair again but I always cried out to God and he always gave me peace. He began to show me how blessed I really was. I cried almost everyday and many days it was because I was so overwhelmed with how good my God is. Some people didn't understand how I could praise him through this but my answer was always how could I not? If all he ever did for me was die on Calvary, it would have been enough. But he gave me a husband who loves and adores me, he gave me my sweet Ansley, he gave me food, a car, a home, friends, family, sunsets in the afternoons, good health, the ability to get up and run, the beauty of creation....my list could go on and on. With all that God has blessed me with how could I not choose to praise him through my pain?
Hebrews 4:16 says, "So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and will find grace to help us when we need it the most." I came to his throne boldly time and time again looking for him, seeking his will, needing his grace and he always gave me just what I needed. God was my sustainer during one of the darkest parts of my life. He gave me his grace when I needed it the most. He showed my mercy in the valley.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Dreams
About two years ago, I started sewing again. I used to sew bags and a limited amount of clothing when Ansley was little but after a divorce, getting remarried, moving several times, changing jobs, and just life in general I quit sewing. So one day I dusted off my machine, grabbed some fabric and started sewing again. Friends begin to see what I was doing and started ordering for me. Then friends of friends started ordering. I went from making bags and pillows to children's clothing and I discovered I was half way decent at it. I started a fan page on FB and continued to get orders. After that first Christmas season, I began to dream. I dreamed what it would be like to quit my job, what it would be like to be a full time wife, Mommy, and seamstress. So I started praying that if that is what God dreamed for me also that he would continue to bless my business and allow me to come home.
One day I read, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4. I began to really believe in my heart that my dreams could come true as long as I was seeking God, as long as I put him first, as long as I saw that this was all about him and not about me. So I clung to this verse and I prayed.
As I prayed my little part time business grew. The first Christmas season in 2009 was really good. I didn't push myself on people and I didn't openly advertise. All I did was took what little talent God gave me and posted a picture of what I made on FB. 2010 was even better. My business continued to grow. So many times I would step back, look at how many orders I had, and know without a shadow of a doubt that it was God alone working. I continued to pray that he would give me the desires of my heart. The 2010 Christmas season was amazing. I pretty much didn't have any kind of life in November and December of that year. I worked full time at my real job and sewed the rest every spare moment I had. I thought God was really working through my business. I decided that after Christmas last year I was going to take a few weeks off from sewing to evaluate what God wanted me to do with my business. I knew January would be a slow month so I would have time to think about things....that never happened. January was just as busy as Decemeber. In fact, I never got to take a break because God just kept blessing.
I began to really believe Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope." You see I had a dream, a desire, a hope, but I began to see that God had even bigger dreams and hopes for me. I began to see that he wanted to do so much more with my little business than I could ever imagine.
In December of 2010 Jeremy, my sweet husband and I decided we would start trying to have a baby. I have a child from my first marriage. Her and Jeremy are two peas in a pod and I am beyond blessed to have a husband who loves my sweet child as his own but I wanted him to have a child. I wanted Ansley to have a brother or sister from us. I wanted another sweet baby to hold. I dreamed of coming home and raising Ansley and a baby, of taking care of our home, of being the wife God called me to be, of sewing and making a living for my family. I felt like my dreams were God's dreams for me too.
A series of events happened in February 2011 that made me feel like God was about to answer all of my prayers. First off, my business had grown to the point that I was almost working 40 hours a week just sewing. This was on top of me working my real job 40 hours a week. Then we found out we were actually getting a tax refund which meant my shed could be fixed up so I could move my sewing business out there, and lastly we found out I was pregnant. All of these things happened within a week of each other. I became so excited. I praised God cause in my mind he answered my prayers. He seemed to have lined things up so perfectly. We started to tell our family and close friends about being pregnant and everyone rejoiced with us. My 9 year old daughter was so happy that she cried for about 30 minutes. God was good and it was so easy to see that.
I started to make my own plans....notice how I just said my own plans. That's going to be crucial in all of this. I figured I would work at my real job the entire I was pregnant plus work at my sewing. Then after I had our sweet baby I would come home. If I worked while I was pregnant not only could we pay off every debt we had except the house note but we could also save a nice chunk of change saved. Then we wouldn't have to worry so much if my sewing business ever got slow.
I prayed that the baby inside of me was growing to be perfect and healthy. I praised God for his perfect timing. I had such joy because God answered my prayers. Everything was perfect. Little did I know that only a few short weeks later my "perfect" world was going to be turned upside down. I was about to be plummeted into a valley so dark that I wondered how I would survive it. My dreams were about to come apart at the seams.
One day I read, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4. I began to really believe in my heart that my dreams could come true as long as I was seeking God, as long as I put him first, as long as I saw that this was all about him and not about me. So I clung to this verse and I prayed.
As I prayed my little part time business grew. The first Christmas season in 2009 was really good. I didn't push myself on people and I didn't openly advertise. All I did was took what little talent God gave me and posted a picture of what I made on FB. 2010 was even better. My business continued to grow. So many times I would step back, look at how many orders I had, and know without a shadow of a doubt that it was God alone working. I continued to pray that he would give me the desires of my heart. The 2010 Christmas season was amazing. I pretty much didn't have any kind of life in November and December of that year. I worked full time at my real job and sewed the rest every spare moment I had. I thought God was really working through my business. I decided that after Christmas last year I was going to take a few weeks off from sewing to evaluate what God wanted me to do with my business. I knew January would be a slow month so I would have time to think about things....that never happened. January was just as busy as Decemeber. In fact, I never got to take a break because God just kept blessing.
I began to really believe Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope." You see I had a dream, a desire, a hope, but I began to see that God had even bigger dreams and hopes for me. I began to see that he wanted to do so much more with my little business than I could ever imagine.
In December of 2010 Jeremy, my sweet husband and I decided we would start trying to have a baby. I have a child from my first marriage. Her and Jeremy are two peas in a pod and I am beyond blessed to have a husband who loves my sweet child as his own but I wanted him to have a child. I wanted Ansley to have a brother or sister from us. I wanted another sweet baby to hold. I dreamed of coming home and raising Ansley and a baby, of taking care of our home, of being the wife God called me to be, of sewing and making a living for my family. I felt like my dreams were God's dreams for me too.
A series of events happened in February 2011 that made me feel like God was about to answer all of my prayers. First off, my business had grown to the point that I was almost working 40 hours a week just sewing. This was on top of me working my real job 40 hours a week. Then we found out we were actually getting a tax refund which meant my shed could be fixed up so I could move my sewing business out there, and lastly we found out I was pregnant. All of these things happened within a week of each other. I became so excited. I praised God cause in my mind he answered my prayers. He seemed to have lined things up so perfectly. We started to tell our family and close friends about being pregnant and everyone rejoiced with us. My 9 year old daughter was so happy that she cried for about 30 minutes. God was good and it was so easy to see that.
I started to make my own plans....notice how I just said my own plans. That's going to be crucial in all of this. I figured I would work at my real job the entire I was pregnant plus work at my sewing. Then after I had our sweet baby I would come home. If I worked while I was pregnant not only could we pay off every debt we had except the house note but we could also save a nice chunk of change saved. Then we wouldn't have to worry so much if my sewing business ever got slow.
I prayed that the baby inside of me was growing to be perfect and healthy. I praised God for his perfect timing. I had such joy because God answered my prayers. Everything was perfect. Little did I know that only a few short weeks later my "perfect" world was going to be turned upside down. I was about to be plummeted into a valley so dark that I wondered how I would survive it. My dreams were about to come apart at the seams.
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